Unanswered [17] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

[Toefl] Buying a new technological device right away is better than waiting until many people...

Katthew Kim 6 / 12 6  
Aug 17, 2017   #1
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Buying a new technological device right away is better than waiting until many people have purchased it.

Use specific reasons and examples to support your explanation.

Buying new gadgets isn't worthy

Recently, general awareness about whether it is wiser to buy new technology device right away than waiting until many people have purchased it has aroused heated arguments. People, nevertheless, have conflicting ideas; while some people say that it brings many benefits to buy the device later, others deem otherwise. From my point of view, I am in agreement with former stand and my view can be greatly substantiated by the reasons addressed below.

The first reason for my opinion that can be seen by every person is that it is too much expensive to purchase the technological device early. This is because there are few demands to buy the newly launched device in the beginning. According to the one of the most fundamental economic theory, supply and demand curves, price would be high when it comes to low demand given constant supply. In addition, one of the well-known reasearch lab at Seoul National University revealed the relationship between price and period of purchase. In fact, the reasearch team revealed the fact that the earlier clients buy the technology commodities, the more they should pay.

Another equally important reason is that new technology device can malfuntion more often than other devices which already has been used by many people. To put it again, new device is not testified by the public as much as other devices which are verified by the public. For instance, Samsung Note 7 was recalled within few days after launching this new product because there were some malfunction cases. As more and more people use this new phone, it is revealed that the product has a severe functional flaw that can even endanger people. Like this case, newly launched device has an enormous risk of malfunction.

The third and most noteworthy reason is that clients should invest a lot hours to learn how to use the device. That is to say, what client only can do is to spend lots of time to read whole manual, which is quite boring. Since no one are familiar with using the new device, it is hard to find others who can help you to teach this. In reality, according to the article posted on the Korea Times, many clients have a tendency to prefer to ask their friends or family about how to use the device rather than reading the manual by themselves.

To wrap up all statements above, buying a new technological device is not reasonable option in terms of price, malfunction and learning curb. In particular, the high price, risk of malfunction and tedious work to read a manual would hinder clients to buy a newly released product. That is why I agree with the opinion that it is more sagacious to wait until many people have purchased this.
SFTBNWH11 3 / 4 5  
Aug 17, 2017   #2
Dear Mattew,
Overall, I liked you essay. You respected the different parts of a TOEFL Essay and you did a good job in introducing your personal opinion, then explaining the reasons behind your choice. Nonetheless, I have some grammar and spelling remarks to make:

* ...and my view ... --> In the same sentence, you used "point of view" and "view". I think it would be more appropriate if you simply said: "and I think so for the reasons below"

* This is because there are few demands to buy the newly launched device in the beginning. --> Actually, prices get really high proportionally with the demand. In addition, when the product is newly launched, the demand is at its highest rates. Thus, you ought to say: "This is because demands starts growing at a very high rate when the device is newly launched, due to an efficient publicity, etc."

* ...one of the well-known reasearch lab ... --> you can either say: "a well-known research lab" or " one the most well-known research labs.." and use "laboratory" as you are writing an academic essay.

Finally, I reckon your writing skills are, definitely, improving from your previous ones. Just make sure to mind some mistakes you are doing. Keep on writing and you will improve fantastically.

Keep on the good work!
Yours, Majd Akkari.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,524 3442  
Aug 17, 2017   #3
Matthew, please do not exaggerate the terms of the discussion being presented in the essays. Exaggerating by using terms such as "heated debate" in the essay, when none is referenced in the prompt means you are sensationalizing the statements. Stick to the original prompt tone as much as possible. Do not create unnecessary conflict and mistaken references where there are none. Yes, that could have an effect on your score in terms of your TA considerations.

It would also be best to use personal information, experience, or publicly known facts that are easily understandable to the readers. So when you reference the Law of Supply and Demand, there may be a tendency for the examiner to wonder why you have discussed something so technical in a basic discussion paper. While this is not wrong, it may not be considered the correct approach to the discussion.

You may also wish to reconsider using researched information and references in your statements because there is no access to Google at the exam center and also, when you make reference to certain studies, you need to include more verifiable information such as date of publication and method of publication, which would turn the essay into a research paper. Sticking to basic information and experience in reference to the given topic is always the most appreciated approach to these sorts of essays.

These comments not withstanding, you did very good work on the essay. There is a tremendous amount of improvement in your work. It shows in the manner that you have improved your presentation and are taking greater care to meet the TOEFL scoring requirements. You are not quite, but almost ready to take the test.
sumthegoat 1 / 3  
Aug 22, 2017   #4
I enjoyed reading your essay, and you have a clear view of what you are stating. You do use good supporting details to elevate your argument. However, there are a few spelling and grammatical errors in your essay.

Home / Writing Feedback / [Toefl] Buying a new technological device right away is better than waiting until many people...