Cambridge CAE exam Writing

You have watched a documentary about what causes young people to start committing crimes. You have made the notes below .
Write an essay for you tutor discussing two of the reasons on your notes. You should explain which cause you think is the most important for young people committing crimes and provide reasons to support your opinions. Word count : 220-260

The notes I chose
"Lack of control by parents"
"Absence of opportunities in life"

These days, crimes are having a rampant progress. It is getting much more unsafe out there. Research shows that the cause lies within our love ones - teenagers.What causes them to commit crimes ? Is anyone else responsible or just the aggresor ?

'Like father , like son', this quote is widely known, yet , doe anyone of us understands the weights of it ? It simply mean that whatever a parent does, a child follows. So, this can be the founding cause of teenage crimes. Parents today do not bother their kids much, they let their kid decide what do they want to do. Consequently, when the kids reach their teenage life, they are impossible to be controlled by their parents, they try means and ways to achieve what they want. Papers whos that most theft, bulgaries, vandalisms are done by teenagers. They act like they want.

However, some say that the reason of committing crimes is the lack of opportunities in their lives. I think that it is simply ridiculous for one to say that ! Yes, even though the chances for games and entertainment may not be around. But if one says that these are the cause of crimes, it is simply unacceptable. The kid has the opportunity to choose ! He can choose not to violate the laws ; he can choose to find a way around things. Committing crimes are not needed. I believe that the lack of chances don't give birth to crime but crime gives birth to chances of opportunities being stripped away.

"Don't let things control you. Control them"

I do deeply believe that discipline is the key to crimes. Parent's strict, firm disciplines are necessary, so does the disciplines within themselves. If one person has strong self-discipline, teenage crime will dwindle.

May I know how much I may get out of 20 ? And how could I further improve this ? I welcome negative comments. Thanks !

Samuel, when you write an academic essay, you should totally avoid using exclamation points for any reason. You do not want to be perceived as having shouted at your tutor. Revise all of the parts of this essay that uses an exclamation point. As for the discussion, I found some points questionable and I hope to bring your attention to certain statements that you made.

When you use the quote "Like father, like son", I don't think you realize that the quote can work both ways. You are discussing the idiom in the context of a criminal father eventually raising a criminal child, am I right? Don't do that. The phrase is meant to usually carry a positive note indicating that the child will usually follow in the footsteps of the father, who is normally a highly successful person, who also happens to share some traits with his then teenage son. The argument you presented is solid, just drop the use of the quote. The quote is what makes your argument flawed.

When you discuss the "lack of opportunities", you should look at your surroundings and try to present examples of how this situation exists and how it affects the teenagers in the documentary or in your real life. Your discussion of this topic is not really strong and requires some extra work. Now, due to the fact that your essay is well written to a certain degree and also discusses your reasons with some shallow supporting statements, personally, I would give this essay a 10. I based the score on the way your discussion went and how much work was needed to fix it. Consider my comments above as a part of your grading sheet in my eyes.