Who should care more about our health if not we ourselves? IELTS writing task II about healthy life

These days, too many people maintain their health by relying on doctors and medicine, rather than by following a healthy lifestyle.
To what extent do you agree with this statement?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

People are too lazy to be healthy

Nowadays, people tend to ignore the way of healthy life and both medical treatments and practitioners are used by them to manage their health. Personally, I agree with the former statement because nowadays people occupations are mostly worker which are very busy with their businesses and choose the easiest way for their daily life such as consume fast food and lack of exercise, so it is clearly that the dependency of people to the doctors and medicine is increase rather than following the way of healthy life.

Focusing on the job is one of the crucial factors that causing people does not have much time to maintain their daily routines such as food consumption and less exercise and it becomes a new bad habit for them. Consuming fast food is chosen as the best alternative because the simplicity and they can consume anywhere and anytime while sitting for several hours to finish their job. Consequently, they suffer some serious illnesses such as diabetes because the accumulation of saturation fat on fast food and lack of exercise.

To overcome the problems, doctors and medical treatments are the best solution for them to manage even cure their illnesses. What the common fact they do is hire nutritionists to maintain their food while they still lack of exercise. People also go to the doctor if they will suffer and get prescription to buy some medicine to make their body fit.

Taking everything into consideration, albeit doctors and medical treatments help people who suffer illnesses and help them to maintain their lifestyle such as food and keep body health, avoid unhealthy lifestyle is the most important preventive action to cope up with health problems.

For me, your ideas look like scattered all over the place. You are in dire need of an improvement, particularly in terms of structuring your paragraph into a proper and appropriate format. First, composing a bulky paragraph should be avoided in order to make your essay as clear as possible. Take your introduction paragraph as an example, Don't you realize that it was ONLY 2 sentences with very-long-and-confusing statement? Avoid making a very-long-but-inaccurate sentence to improve the clarity of your essay. You need to remember that clarity is a MUST. Let me help you fixing your introduction paragraph in the detailed descriptions below.

Nowadays, people tend to ignore the way of healthy life (...) lack of exercise, so it is clearly that the dependency of people to the doctors and medicine is increase rather than following the way of healthy life.

These days, people have a tendency to ignore a healthy lifestyle, and they prefer to depend on health specialists and medicines to maintain their health. However, I firmly agree with the notion because of the annually increasing obesity rate in the world proves it. This essay will discuss how majority of occupations and lack of exercises can cause this problem to occur.

Reza, your opening statement is confusing because you did not structure the first sentence coherently. You should have used the words "in favor of" when referring to the choice of people to go to doctors and take medicines instead of changing their lifestyle. Sometimes, all it takes is the correct phrase to clear up any confusion in a sentence. That is the case with your opening statement. If you set the opening sentence properly, then the confusion could have been easily avoided. Personally, I understood what you had to say in the successive paragraphs because, while there was a little stress in reading your paragraphs, you somehow got the message across to the reader. Like I said, it was only your opening statement that created the confusion. The rest of the essay really came very close to providing coherent and cohesive details of your opinion. This is not a bad first attempt at writing a Task 2 essay. Keep practicing and we will keep helping you improve your writing skills.

Apart from above comments, I just want to add that your introduction is quite long, even longer than main bodies which is undesitable in Ielts tasks. Try to keep your introduction and conclusion short, instead focus on your main paragraphs which are more essential to get higher score. 1 sentence is quite enough for conclusion.