All cats are gray in dark- Nowadays people pay much more time and money on appearance

I am eager to see your instructive criticisms.

Recently, one of the biggest people's concerns is how to look. This has resulted in the rate of cosmetic surgeries and cosmetics use which have been in rise markedly. The statistics in this regard indicate the high percentage of spending money and more importantly the time regarding looking a million dollars. This essay will argue the reasons of my agreement with this issue.

To begin with, for one reason, nowadays the signs of cosmetic surgeries can be seen in one's, mainly, face. In Tehran city, if we take an example, the number of people had surgery is a noted figure that is increasing day after another. For another, it does not seem to be highly common to have one without any make up seen. Evidence for this is provided by the related news; Iran has got a huge amount of cosmetics consumption over a period from 1383 to 1391.

According to the following widespread proverb accepted by almost everyone "all cats are gray in dark" it can be got that the personality is superficial than the look. As a result, some actions must be taken to make people care about their character more. A good illustration of this might be the advertisement and media by helping people not to get estranged from their identity as a human kind. This is to say that, whereof media has a quick impact on people, firstly some shows can be dedicated to the surgeries' harm and secondly some shows for paving the way of people to care about their personality, simultaneously.

To summarize, there is no denying that the mentioned factor is ostensible in most societies. If the humans keep on having this trend, they would possibly forget, by far, one of their most important features of theirs in life which is personality, not the appearance. To be more precise people cannot live without having relationship with each other; therefore they need an acceptable character as a tool to live, not a flashy look. "Beauty is only skin deep."

I have some suggestions:
- The first reason is good but the second reason is not clear.
- In the second paragraph of the body, you need to focus on relevant explanation before giving further opinion.
- In order to make your essay lucid, start a paragraph with its topic sentence and end it with either a confirmation or extended ideas.
- Be careful with tenses.
- Breaking up sentences may afflict the flow of ideas. Try to write as smooth sentences as possible. You can practice this by writing long sentences with simple structures first, such as because..., although..., not only...but also..., too...to... and so on. Then, use a dictionary and rewrite them with more formal words.

quocthai7005
Thanks for your advise.
I ,actually, wrote a suggestion in the second body paragraph not a reason to support my agreement.

- can be written as - Recently, one of the biggest concern among people is about their looks.

I think you need to rephrase this sentence -


Also, i feel your sentences are too long to understand.

....needs improvement in presentation.
Recently, people have become more interested in their outer appearance.


It is better to conclude the introduction with a clear statement that expresses your opinion.

thank you for your nice advise!
But could you please explain the number 2 and 2.1 more, with examples?

Treat number 2 as a whole. 2.1 and 2.2 are elaborating more on number 2 which is about telling the reader the background of the issue. When you present the background to the reader, you should first introduce the prompt in its real sense without going out of topic (that's what 2.1 suggests) and at the same time you should present this background in a manner that it is an importanat issue to discuss (i.e. 2.2).

You haven't included your prompt in this essay and therefore I cannot exactly do the background for you according to this structure. Post your prompt and then I will do a sample introduction for you for this essay.

dumi
Thanks!
Actually I wanted to discuss about raise of cosmetic use and cosmetic surgeries, and some ways to make people care about their personality more, by media.