The workaholism phenomenon
People nowadays become more and more workaholic by spending more time at workplace than at home. This phenomenon can be explained by both subjective and objective reasons. From my point of view, it brings about not only benefits but also several drawbacks to the cooperation s and workers.
First of all, people are hardworking to follow their high passion. It can be said that lots of people choose their dream jobs so that they can utterly devote themselves to their career. For example, a professional designer is definitely willing to focus on their work day by day in order to create a perfect product. Secondly, in a company which is highly competitive, each members are required to work for extra hours. As a result, they can show their attitude and ability to their leaders and have a probability of getting promoted.
From my perspective, it is beneficial to work in long hours. Working overtime is a great way to get chances for moving to higher position and build up financial situation. When working outside of office hours, obviously more tasks can be done. Labour productivity thus increases which contributes significantly to the development of the business.
On the other hand, there are also some disadvantages of this trend. Firstly, too much work can result in stress and poor health. Particularly, spending more time on working means to reduce time of resting. Consequently they do not get enough sleep, causing high risk for chronic conditions like diabetes or heart disease. In addition, workaholics may neglect their family and friends. They do not have moments to share daily matters with others or even just hang out and have a cup of coffee. If the situation continues for a long time, life will become uninspiring.
In conclusion, I believe that working for extra hours is a worthy choice but also leads to lots of harmful issues. It is important to achieve a balance between work and leisure activities.
i have rewrite it in my ways
... It is said that lots of people... designer is
definitely willing to focus on their workday by day in order to create ... Secondly, in a highly competitive company, each member s are is required to ...
... thus increases, which ...
... more time
on working means ... .., causing a high risk for ... Also, workaholics may neglect ... or even just hang out and ...
... leads to lots of serious issues. It is essential to achieve ...
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You have to learn to focus on the questions being asked in the essay. That is, directly respond to:
- Why is it?
- Is it a positive or a negative?
Do not give vague responses to the questions in the paraphrase. Instead, give on definite reason for the why question and another solid opinion for the positive or negative. You should pick only one side to discuss for that part of the response paragraphs. Either you see it as a positive or a negative. You cannot see it as both as you are going to be given scoring consideration for the clarity of your opinion which, when you say there are both positives and negatives to a discussion, indicates that you do not have an opinion to actually support. You are not given a "maybe" option in the discussion, so you have to pick between the two sides presented only. Pick one to support. The side that you know you can clearly explain your support for in the second reasoning paragraph.
Your first reasoning paragraph, in relation to the why, would have been better presented if you had not presented an under represented second discussion topic in the paragraph. You completely developed the first 3 sentences with the first example. All you had to do, was add 2 more sentences to help support your first reason. The second reason that you presented, had no chance of properly being developed because it was lacking in supporting sentence references. That is the main reason why you should present only one reason per paragraph, unless otherwise specified.
Like I previously indicated, your perspective discussion is not being presented in the expected format. This is only a 4 paragraph essay. It was never meant to be a 5 paragraph presentation as this is not a comparative discussion essay. It is only a single opinion presentation. If you outline the discussion points, you will see that you need only 4 paragraphs because:
Par. 1: Paraphrase + direct response
Par. 2: Why paragraph
Par. 3: Positive or negative discussion
Par. 4: Concluding paraphrase
Your essay was never concluded. You only presented additional discussion points in the end, which created an open ended essay. There was no clear conclusion representing the restatement of:
- The topic
- The why
- The personal opinion
- A closing sentence