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IELTS Cause/Problem Essay question on children spending less time with their parents


Dirkhammet 1 / -  
Oct 10, 2023   #1
I have written an essay to answer an IELTS writing task two essay and I hope for an opinion on it. The first paragraph would paraphrase the question whilst adding a general overview of it. The second paragraph answers the question of reason. The third paragraph answers the question of the problem. The fourth paragraph summarises the points without adding any additional points.

Question:
Most modern families have both parents working and as a result, children spend less and less time with their parents.

What is the reason for this?
What problems can cause this?



In modern times, it is increasingly common for both parents to be in a working capacity to support their family. Resultantly, the time children spend with their parents has diminished, particularly during an age where developing a familial bond is crucially needed. This essay will address the underlying reasons for this phenomenon and the resulting challenges it poses.

One predominant factor driving both parents into the workforce is inflation. As the cost of living continues to surge, it directly impacts families' financial stability. The ripple effect of inflation not only affects basic necessities but also extends to housing, transportation, healthcare, education, and many other commodities, further amplifying the financial burden on both parents who are striving to make ends meet. This multifaceted impact of inflation underscores the urgency for parents to secure stable and well-paying jobs, often with demanding overtime working hours, which, as a result, unfortunately limits essential time they can spend with their children.

With both parents working full-time and having limited involvement during a critical phase of their child's development, several problems may arise. Firstly, children need substantial attention from their parents who are likely to be their only role models. This absence of proper guidance might develop behavioural and psychological issues in children. Secondly, children require validation and constructive feedback from their parents. Without this support, they may seek it from whomever possible, especially from negative influences which could turn them into delinquents.

To conclude, the economic pressures driven by increasing prices only pushes both parents to working more hours than necessary, limiting their involvement in their children's lives. This diminished parental presence can inhibit issues in the child's mental state to look for guidance from outsiders, regardless of it being good or evil.

(288 words)
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,956 4810  
Oct 14, 2023   #2
particularly during an age where developing a familial bond is crucially needed.

This is personal information or a representation of your personal opinion. It is not a part of the original reference and should not be included as a part of the prompt restatement. You may use it as a part of your writer's opinion presentation instead.

This essay will address

The essay paragraph will receive a low preliminary score since there is no thesis statement present to respond to the questions provided. In effect, there is no clear writer's opinion as required by the task accuracy section for preliminary scoring.

families'

There is no need for an apostrophe. Families is the plural form of "family".

The second paragraph only provides reasons. It is weak because the representation does not include examples to justify the points you have made. You should try to use examples to help strengthen your reasoning presentation. The essay is actually quite well written, if one will ignore the aforementioned errors you made.


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