Kindly review/comment/correct the essay written in 40mins under exam-like condition. Many thanks.
New Learner (26)
Research shows that children spend more hours in front of the TV rather than playing outdoors. What are the reasons for this development? What measures could be taken to encourage children to spend more time outdoors?
The advancement of technology that the current world is experiencing was a quantum leap from the early 80s. Children today are said affected by this phenomenal achievement following a research suggested that they spend more time watching tv than playing outdoors. This essay will look into the reasons to the change of trend and provide measures to encourage and nurture children to healthy outdoors.
The improvement in term of quality of life has allowed families regardless both poor or rich to own at least a tv at home. In contrary to the early days, tv is much more affordable now and has become one of the necessities in any household. Children have direct access to tv that provides vast channels particularly via cable such as the Cartoon Network and Niockelodeon. As a result, children tend to watch tv which is more appealing to them than playing outdoors.
It is certainly an unhealthy way of growing up in front of tv's monitor. Parents shall play their role in the curtailment of excessive time spent by their children on tv by restricting and limiting the duration of screen. Apart from that, parents should encourage their children to watch educational tv channels such as Discovery Kids and National Geography that promote people including children to learn and appreciate their surroundings while doing outdoor activities.
To sum up, the habit of children to watch TV at home is inevitable as the medium of entertainment will be continuously growing. Nevertheless, parents are still able to control their children by capping the usage of tv and encourage them to do more outdoors by any appropriate means. It is hoped that the children in the current and future generations would continue enjoy the fun of outdoors than just contain themselves in the digital world.
Hello! its a generally good essay with clear explanation but there are some minor mistakes here and there.
advancement IN technology
Children today are said TO BE AFFECTED by this phenomenal achievement as recent researches suggested that ...
Parents should play ...
duration of watching time?
to sum it up.
Thank you for those corrections. I will try to keep the essay simple but clear due to limitation of time given for the test.
Children today are said to be affected by this...
Or just keep it simple:
Children today are affected by this phenomenal achievement according to research which suggests that they spend more time watching television than playing outdoors.
This essay will look into the reasons
to the change of trend and ...
...in terms of...
The improvement in terms of quality of life
Use television instead of tv: As a result, children tend to watch television, which is more appealing to them than playing outdoors.
To sum up, the habit of children to watch TV at home is inevitable as the medium of entertainment will be continuously growing. ---great sentence!
Use ing in both verbs:
Nevertheless, parents are still able to control their children by capping the usage of tv and encouraging...
Appreciate your help kevin :)
would continue enjoying