THE IMMIGRATION
The immigration, as a decision maked by a person is an act that occurs, because of some factors especially in the under developed countries and the most importants causes or reasons are mainly social reasons, politic reasons and economic reasons.
For the first reason which is the social one , the underdeveloped countries know and suffer from crisis at the economic level, this factor leads the people to immigrates abroad in order to gain money , and find a work. Also, poverty leads many people and pushes them to search for a work and gain money to solve their problems and afford their needs, but this isn't available or easy to reach in their home country, so that they choose to travel abroad where the work is available and the cost of living isn't rising, and where they can improve their social situation.
For the second reason, which is politic, and as we know, in some countries especially the underdeveloped one there is some civil wars between the citizenship, this fact means that there is no peace in that country and automatically we know that when there is no peace there is no normal life, because when the war start it damaged anything and everyone who is in front of it, and because of all that some people choose to travel abroad and avoid any trouble caused by the war.
At least, and for the third reason, which is the economic one, the most underdeveloped countries suffer from the low salaries that the workers get, which push many of them to think of the immigration .Also, those countries don't afford for all the people enough jobs especially for the younger's that are considered as new comers to the job market where they shocked when they discover that there isn't enough jobs for them and so that their decision will be surely to travel abroad or to immigrate definitively . But the most dangerous problem is that some younger's travel even if they have high degrees in different domains and this will leads those countries to fall in the problem of BRAIN DRAIN, so that their immigration could be a great loss for their countries, especially in a time where there countries are in a great need for their knowledge.
Finally, and in my opinion I think that every under country must afford enough jobs, especially for the Youngers those that are considered as the future of the country, and try to reduce the social problems and then stop the immigration.
pleaz can you correct this essay.
What's your prompt first of all? I can't really give a proper evaluation if you didn't provide the prompt.
Anyways...
-You need to work on sentence structuring. For example, when you wrote,
"The immigration, as a decision maked by a person is an act that occurs, because of some factors especially in the under developed countries and the most importants causes or reasons are mainly social reasons, politic reasons and economic reasons."
It's very confusing, and it seems that you are trying to link several ideas into one. Instead, separate them into separate sentences. You also spelled "made" wrong, and "important" does not have an "s" at the end.
-Use more sophisticated transition words like, "As well", "Although", "Therefore", "Despite this", "In addition to"...
-You wrote,
"Finally, and in my opinion I think that every under country must afford enough jobs, especially for the Youngers those that are considered as the future of the country, and try to reduce the social problems and then stop the immigration."
Here, you are stating an opinion. You need to back up your opinion with actual facts.
-When you make a point in a paragraph, elaborate on it. Then make another point that is relevant to what you are discussing in that paragraph, and elaborate.
-You need to sit down and talk with someone who is good at writing essays, and have them help you on basic essay structures. You also need help on sentence structuring.
Good luck
Hi there,
I agree with what Sarah said, you tend to make up long sentences. This will make your reader confuse and uncomfortable.
Besides, I can see that your approach is too direct. For example,you use "For first reason" and "for second reason" for your first point and second point. To make your essay to be more interesting, you shouldn't use them. Instead, you should include the point in the paragraph.
Take for example, for first paragraph, instead of writing " For the first reason which is the social one , the underdeveloped countries know and suffer from crisis at the economic level, this factor leads the people to immigrates abroad in order to gain money , and find a work.", you can write "In social aspect, the underdeveloped countries..."
Good luck.
Another great point to think about is that you do not usually need to use "the" when you talk about immigration. You can talk about the planet, the sky, or the road, but other words do not need "the," including: Immigration, water, freedom, parenthood....
It is hard to explain why, so you have to read a lot to get the good habits.
And I want to work on this sentence, too:
Also, those countries cannot provide jobs for all the people, especially for the younger people that are considered as new comers to the job market, where they shocked when they discover that there aren't enough jobs for them. Therefore, their decision will surely be to travel abroad or to immigrate definitively.
:-)
