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Nowadays, there are many causes that make children have an unhealthy lifestyle.


ifraanisa05 44 / 70 6  
Oct 25, 2016   #1
Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

Nowadays, there are many causes that make children have an unhealthy lifestyle. Not only schools but also parents have a responsibility to solve those problems. Personally, i agree that both schools and parents are responsible for children's behaviour because they are the guardian of the children even in the schools or houses.

In the recent years, both schools and parents give their children facilities such as the computer for schools and handphone for home. They are responsible for managing the children's time when children use those technologies because most of the children get a lot of information from their gadgets and much time they spend for it. For instance, my brother who used the computer for three hours non-stop played games and watched many videos on youtube. Those activities actually can harm his brain and make him addicted to that technology. There is the reason why schools and parents have to control their time by using computer or gadget even in schools or houses.

Another problem for children who have unhealthy lifestyle is food supply which schools and parents give to them. This becomes a problem because food is the direct supply for brain and body. Children can be healthy and easy to accept information in class when they get the better quality of food. For example, schools give a permission to other people who sell the food around the school without know the quality of the food. Another example, parents give the children food which is bought from the outside but do not cook by themselves. Those are will be harm to children's brain and health. So, the schools have to make a canteen which is under control at schools and parents should control the quality of food that they give to children at home.

In conclusion, there are many problems which the children get in their life. both schools and parents are responsible for creating the good character of their children in daily life so that they will have a healthy lifestyle
ibe13 36 / 50 9  
Oct 25, 2016   #2
Aloha Ifra, here are my responses for your essay;
(1) ... have a responsibility to solve those problems.(I think, in this essay, we just have one issue/problem. So, you'd better change this phrase)

(2) Personally, i agree that both schools and parents are responsible for children's behaviour(you can say it simpler, just say "I agree this notion/idea/argument") because they are ...

(3) In the recent years, both schools [...] gadget even in schools or houses.(you are unsuccessful to convince me how children spending time can be related to unhealthy lifestyle)
akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Oct 25, 2016   #3
Hi Ifra.
Welcome to Essay Forum. You have been a right medium to improve your writing. In this moment, I only focus on your contents of your writing. Please, meet my notes and consider them to enhance your skill.


have a responsibility to solve those problems

have a responsibility to TACKLE those problems.
Actually, you have succeeded to create the introduction well. You are able to paraphrase the statement and show where your position or opinion in the thesis statement.

. Those activities actually can harm his brain and make him addicted to that technology

In this the essay, you cannot place theory directly. Fine, you elucidate your personal experience about your brother. However, you have to display resource where you got. I suggest you include scientific fact to support your opinion.

easy to accept information in class when they get the better quality of food.

This is out of the topic because you explain that the good diet influences the brain. Please, make you sure that you have met the prompts in this question.

quote=ifraanisa05] schools give a permission to other people who sell the food around the school without know the quality of the food.[/quote]

Another example, parents give the children food which is bought from the outside but do not cook by themselves

The example you gave cannot support your opinion. Focus on your edge of the topic.

there are many problems

(Avoid repetition)

Turning to your conclusion paragraph, keep in your mind that each good paragraph has at least 3 sentences. You are supposed to include the suggestion for a few elements to deal with the matter. Apart from that, you should harness linking/ transitive words appropriately. Those can make your essay smoother when it moves from the topic to the other topic.

I personally believe you can master this skill on condition that you wanna provide much time to practice more and more...
Happy Writing
GOOD LUCK
:D
MaximKlopunov99 13 / 22 4  
Oct 25, 2016   #4
Hello,

I read your essay and there are some problems to point out:
-I think, you are out of the topic. In conclusion you're talking about the children's charachter, while you need to discuss the lifestyle.

- much time they spend for it they spend much time on it.
-... used the computer (...) played games and watched many videos on youtube.
I'd recommend you to use the Present Simple tense.
-There is the reason why This is the reason why
-food is the direct supply for brain and body.

Good luck,
Maxim.
Faridadwi18 67 / 104 13  
Oct 25, 2016   #5
Hi Ifra,

- I don't think that you answer the question well since the question talk about why both schools and parents have to be responsible for such an issue, then you answer the reason why children have unhealthy lifestyle. there are also some sentences which out of topic.

- you need to understand the question first before answering it.
- In your conclusion, you say that 'both schools and parents are responsible for creating the good character of their children in daily life so that they will have a healthy lifestyle'. i think there is no correlation between character and healthy lifestyle so this also out of topic.

- You have a good control in grammar

Hopefully it helps


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