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CBEST: Bad memories should not be treated as a hindrance but as a learning opportunity.


xubis 2 / 6  
Sep 9, 2009   #1
Please give feedback on my essay and how to improve its structure and formation

Do memories hinder or help people in their effort to learn from the past and succeed in the present and future, Support with reasons and examples.

In my view, our past guides us in present and future. Bad memories should not be treated as a hindrance but as a learning opportunity.

There are many life events that have made me realize the importance of past. In school I was among bright and hardworking students who always top the list, but once in grade seven my grades were not good. I was so sad and depressed, my elder sister who knew all about it advise me to analyze all the mistakes and weaknesses that I have in those subjects, and work on the areas that need improvement. Later I found out that was the right approach, my grades went up and I was again on top students list.

Past events give us a chance to learn valuable lesson, and realize our mistakes, no matter how terrible the memory is, the hidden message help us in future. Ten years ago when stock market was going up my brother invested heavily in tech stocks, although father advised him not to invest in one sector, he didn't pay attention to his advice and finally lost when the market collapsed. Although he blew almost all of his savings, he realized his mistake of investing all in one industry and since then never repeated it. For this reason I also feel it's always good to take advice from elders as they also have lifetime experiences, which proved to be very valuable most of the time.

Sometimes we stuck in terrifying situation which leaves everlasting impression on our mind, we don't even like to discuss or think about them. But it's wiser if we analyze what went wrong and how to avoid it in future. For example, my friend who was very good driver had a car accident, in that she was badly injured. Although, it was the mistake of other driver who was driving fast and didn't indicate before changing lane. But at the time of accident my friend was not wearing the seat belt; if she was, the injuries could be less. Instead of not driving for the rest of her life, she should pay attention on safety measures.

Great people believe past life and memories guide us in future and make the journey of life easier, and so do I.

EF_Simone 2 / 1,987  
Sep 9, 2009   #2
I'm alarmed by the inappropriate verb tenses and missing words in this essay. I wonder are these the result of sloppy editing or lack of knowledge. Remember, CBEST is for educators.

Bad memories should not be treated as a hindrance but as a learning opportunity.

"Memories" is plural. So, you should have said "hindrances" and "learning opportunities."

There are many life events that have made me realize the importance of past.

There should be a "the" before "past"

In school I was among bright and hardworking students who always top the list, but once in grade seven my grades were not good.

There should be a comma after "school" and a "the" before "bright;" "top" should be "topped."

I was so sad and depressed, my elder sister who knew all about it advise me to analyze all the mistakes and weaknesses that I have in those subjects, and work on the areas that need improvement.

The first comma should be a semi-colon. "Advise" should be "advised."

Later I found out that was the right approach, my grades went up and I was again on top students list.

The comma should be a semi-colon. "on top students list" should be "on the list of top students."

& etc. & etc.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Sep 9, 2009   #3
The essay structure itself isn't bad. You have plenty of specific examples that clearly demonstrate your point. Your grammar is painful, though, given the purpose of this test, as Simone's response indicated. Even if English is your second language (and I assume and hope that it isn't your first) you need to make sure your grammar is well-polished on a test meant for educators who are supposed to have a firm grasp of the three basic elements of education, of which writing continues to be one.
OP xubis 2 / 6  
Sep 9, 2009   #4
Thanks a lot for the feedback; can u please suggest me any book or any other way to improve my grammar?
EF_Simone 2 / 1,987  
Sep 11, 2009   #5
There are plenty of online sources for grammar worksheets and the like. Try The Owl at Purdue. Also, go to a bookstore and pick up a writer's handbook. Any one will do; they all have the same grammar rules in them. Browse through the options and find the one that will be most comfortable for you to use.


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