Unanswered [1]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width   Posts: 5


CBEST-writing: an unforgettable person; 'my grandfather always wore his black glass'



Ellen Wang 1 / 1  
Jul 18, 2009   #1
TOPIC: Write about an unforgettable person whom you have encountered in your life. What made him or her special? How did their life impact yours in a positive or negative way?

Please help me to check especially:
Usage
Structure and Conventions

My Essay:

In our life, we may encounter different kinds of people and some of them have a positive or a negative way to impact our life. An unforgettable person who impacted me the most and in a positive way was my grandfather.

In my memory, my grandfather always wore his black glass to read newspaper and books. Every time me and my brother went to his house, he always smiled and prepared our favorite yogurt drink to welcome us. Because of my parents' occupations, they were always busy at work. My grandparents spent so much time taking care of my brother and me. He was like our second father to us. During the weekend, he took us to do different outdoor activities such as, camping, climbing, fishing, and cooking. When I got hurt, he always knew how to cure and make me feel better. He was my role model. He seemed to know everything and always so positive when he faced different obstacles. I remember one time we got lost in the mountain. He was calmed and made use of his knowledge and environment to find our way back home. He always encouraged me to be strong and positive no matter what happen. Therefore, even I studied in the United States after graduated from high school, I knew no matter where I am and what I run into different problems, I knew he was always therefore me whenever I needed.

My grandfather passed away a year ago after I got my bachelor degree. It was the saddest moment of my life. Deep in my heart, I know I have to be strong and looking forward because he always believed in me. He knew I can do it and be successful. My grandfather was an unforgettable person who influenced my life to be strong, positive and never give up.

EF_Simone 2 / 1974  
Jul 18, 2009   #2
Keep your verb tenses consistent:

"Every time me and my brother went [past tense] to his house, he always [present tense] smiles and prepares [present tense] our favorite yogurt drink to welcome us. Because of my parents' occupations, they were [past tense] always busy at work."
OP Ellen Wang 1 / 1  
Jul 18, 2009   #3
Thank you Simone.
I will make that change.

Also, do you think my content fit with the topic, any suggestion?
Are there other grammatical mistakes and usage problems?

Please let me know.
Thank you.
EF_Simone 2 / 1974  
Jul 19, 2009   #4
Yes, I do think it fits the topic. I like the details that you give about your grandfather and would like to see even more. I'd also like a stronger and less generic introduction.
EF_Sean 6 / 3459  
Jul 20, 2009   #5
"In our life, we may encounter different kinds of people and some of them have a positive or a negative way to impact our life. An unforgettable person who impacted me the most and in a positive way was my grandfather. "

There. That goes a long way towards improving the introduction.

"My grandfather spent so much time taking care of my brother and me."

remember one time we got lost in the mountain. He was calmed and made use of his knowledge and environment to find our way back home. He always encouraged me to be strong and positive no matter what happen.

Perhaps you could expand on this, and turn your essay into a narrative one that shows some of your grandfather's most influential qualities.


Home / Writing Feedback / CBEST-writing: an unforgettable person; 'my grandfather always wore his black glass'
ⓘ Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms for professional help:

Best Writing Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳