[IELTS] writing: Being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems?

Hi all, I'm new here, and this is my first post. I hope to get band 7 in my IELTS. You guys are experts in writing, please make as much commence as you like. Cheers!

Topic:
Being a celebrity- such as a famous film star or sports personality- brings problems as well as benefits.
Do you think that being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems?

Essay:
People have "star dreams" more or less in their teenage time. They think being a celebrity could bring them wealth and happiness. But in my opinion, being a famous person brings more trouble than benefits.

Nowadays, we can easily know other people's life during social network websites. It's extremely hard to keep personal privacy just as a normal person. For celebrities, keeping privacy seems an impossible work. People could easily know where the celebrities lives also their family members' detail. And the journalists work for gossip magazines chase celebrities' life even closer to their personal guard. This brings a sense of unsafety and freedom-lost to the celebrities under "monitored". Secondly, famous people, especially sports personalities face enormous pressure. In daily lives, they need to worry about how to train themselves to reach a higher performance in games as well as not hurting themselves in training sessions. Whey they stood on a playground, the honour of city even country placed on their shoulders. They were not only fighting for themselves, also the group they represented.

In spite of that, some people still believe being a celebrity brings more benefits. They think as a celebrity, it's easy to have a higher income, so they are able to purchase themselves what they want. Also their families will be admired by the public by their names. For example, an Olympic champion's mother always been interviewed with certain questions such as "what did you do to train your child when they were young". And the tips will be followed by thousands of mothers afterwards.

Although being a famous person brings certain advantages to some extents, the price they paid is far more equivalent. The thing they sacrificed are too valuable to me, personally. So I insist that being a celebrity brings far more problems than benefits.

301 words.

This is not actually part of your essay (lol) but I believes you mean comments (not commence )

Ok, that's it. Good day. Pp

Sorry, just kidding.

Introduction
Overall, well-written. Just a small suggestion. This is an essay. You wanna keep it formal, so try not to use informal words like but , try however

Body
It's extremely hard to keep personal privacy just as a normal person. For celebrities, keeping privacy seems an impossible work.
->It's already extremely hard to keep personal privacy just as a normal person. Therefore, as a celebrity, keeping privacy seems to be impossible

Conclusion
It sounds quite like your intro and the topic, so you may wanna change that a little bit. Suggestion: In conclusion, I insist that being a celebrity is rather troublesome than beneficial.

Hi TideWang, welcome to essayforum. Hope you enjoy this lovely site.

Well, at a glance it seems to me that your essay could be too short and may not be meeting the word count requirement for the IELTS task. Anyway, I didn't check your word count, but it looks like too short.

As Dumi (one of contributors) suggest about the structure in the IELTS essay, this is the structure I recommend for you:
Introduction: Introduce your topic + State your opinion/position
Body para 1: First reason + Specific example to support that reason
Body para 2: Second reason + Example (support the second reason)
Conclusion : Final statement about your opinion/position + Final thought (personal opinion, or your hopes, fears, recommendations about the issue)

Introduction, it is better to begin your intro with a good hook and then introduce the background of the issue. Finally state your opinion clearly.

This is my suggestion for the intro:
Living as a celebrity such as a famed movie star or sports player is not an easy way. While some people think it may bring so many problems, others believe that such an individual is more likely to possess numerous benefits. In my opinion, the negative aspects of being a superstar outweigh the positive ones considering these following reasons.

Good luck. Cheers!

Thanks Jake! That's really helpful!

For the conclusion, I found it's hard to differentiate that with the last 1 or 2 sentences in the introduction part. To me, it's basically repeated with some new words. Could you give me any comments on this? :)

Thanks Shinta!
For the word count, the requirement is more than 250 words, and it's impossible for me to write more than 350 words in 40 mins for now. Thanks for noticing that.

For the structure, do you think it's okay to just discuss one side of the topic in two reasons or it's better to have a short concession paragraph?

And the introduction you write is amazing!
Cheers!