'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt?

It was 4 A.M. on a Wednesday morning. I stare out into the pre-dawn darkness and I can see the statue of Mother Liberty etched upon the horizon, with a flaming torch and a picturesque crown. Her magnificent presence makes me feel honored to be born into the Land of the Free.

My mind drifts back to the year of 1787, where my founding fathers debated the future of America. They knew that a strong nation must have a strong foundation. In contrast, a weak foundation will bring about the downfall of a nation.

I thank my founding fathers for making it possible for us all to live together as one family, united by a strong foundation of human rights, equality, and freedom.

I gazed out into the slowly emanating horizon, and I think about humanity in our present day lives. There are so many human rights and freedom issues around the whole globe. Mankind has advanced itself over the last decade, but the liberty of mankind has not yet followed its path.

I still remember how shocked I was when I heard the horrifying story of a blind human rights dissident of how he made a daring escape from house arrest and decided to seek refuge in a U.S. embassy in Beijing. Chen knew that the U.S. fought for human rights around the globe.

I thank my founding fathers for providing a strong foundation of human rights.
I watch in awe as the sun slowly rises over the mountain peaks, casting a faint glow upon Mother Nature. A faint voice whispers in the distance, "I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal." Martin Luther King dedicated his life to fighting for African American rights, yet he could not have done so without the foundation that our founding fathers had laid about equality in the Constitution. How lucky we are to be granted equality in America. So many lives are lost each day just by raising a voice to be heard.

It is time now. Slowly, bit by bit, the sky turned a hue of purple, orange and finally blue. The sun had risen over America, and somehow lightened up our world.

And now, I say only this to my founding fathers:
What would you do to change the world?!

Hi, Just one small thing:

I stared out into the pre-dawn darkness and I cancould see the statue (In the last sentence you mentioned "It was 4 AM ...). So, u should use past tens instead of present one)

Nice work :)

Regards
Ahmad

Hi there, just few advice hope will help :)

They knew that a strong nation must have a strong foundation. In contrast, a weak foundation will bring about the downfall of a nation.----bring the downfall to a nation

I thank my founding fathers for making it possible for us all to live together as one family,. A family, united by a strong foundation of human rights, equality, and freedom.--feel like stronger in a speech

just remembered, also there are some verb tense need to be changed.
Her magnificent presence makesmade
My mind driftsdrifted
a weak foundation willwould
I think about humanity thought
I watchwatched in awe as the sun

Cheers~

I hope to learn new things from your great information. I welcome you in advance :)

Comment on the essay in its entirety...

Well, the essay as a whole has personal and introspective qualities, which some may classify as philosophical. But the way you've chosen to present and organize your ideas inhibits the paper from effectively communicating them to the reader. Although undeveloped, your essay still has the potential to be amazing.

Further refinement is suggested.

thank you so much I will post my essay as soonas I am done you are a spectacular contributor

Our founding father's idea aboutof a strong foundation was a democracy where people could live in harmony together , as one family, united by human rights, freedom, and equality.

This is evident through various articles such as the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution.

We have our founding fathers to thank that America has not collapsed over the years like so many others.

He knew that the U.S. would stand up for him, as the U.S. fights for human rights around the globe.

The strong foundation of human rights was established through the Bill of Rights in the US Constitution, which our founding fathers have so strenuously drafted.

This base has led to many US conquests of many other...

I gladly say thanks to my founding fathers for establishing a sense of equality into our nation. ---You wrote this sentence already.

I like your essay, especially the end. Good luck with school!

:)

I have my revised essay above please take a look the maximum is 400 words but I have 467

You should be a contributor! No doubt about it!!! :D thanks so much

Hi Michael F
Good luck in your request ti be contributer
Wish you the best

I stare out into the pre-dawn darkness and I gaze at the faint outlines of Mother Liberty's flaming torch and a spiked crown.

Our Founding Fathers envisioned democracy as a place ---'democracy as a place sounds funny, I think you should describe it more as a way of life.--- where people could live in harmony together, as human beings united by human rights, freedom, and equality.

Blood was shed, by the cups, the pints, the gallons, tons of it, flowing through the long history of the world we know as The Land of the Free.---This is very sad but true.

To the Founding Fathers, I ask, "Founding Fathers, had you known what we know now today, would you be proud of America's actions?"

:)

The Beijing reference was great; you used specific details.
The use of rhetorical questions is cute, a bit cliche, but almost poetic. :)
"and my heart" sounds a bit cliche as well.

can more people look at my thread thank you so much though i will look at your threadDo you think the questions are okay I'm a little worried. Yeah, they do sound a little cliche. How do you think I should fix it

I was wondering that don't you think that the questions are sort of cliche.Sorry, BachChaconne2. You're right; I should come up with my own.

The questions asked in your essay aren't cliche since they're not common phrases that have been overused. "Curiosity killed the cat" and "Moments of truth" are cliche.

I suggested this format because you needed a creative way of answering the prompt, and I felt this arrangement would successfully accomplish that goal. Of course, my suggestions are merely suggestions; it's entirely up to you on how you want to construct your essay.

By the way, I don't mind whether you use my questions. But you'll benefit a lot more if you create your own. =)

Blood was shed, by the cups, the pints, the gallons, tons of it
We get it, it's a bit redundant.
Take the my heart part out or replace it. The imagery is good, but remember this is supposed to be an essay not a novel.

thanks

Hi,
It is a wonderful thread discussion as a lot of contributers and users involved in.

Keep going

everyone please look at my revised essay above I need help
thank you so much hadi

oh do you think that I can start off the essay with something about fathers day. I want to play a pun on (founding) fathers day and thank my founding fathers for everything they have done ie. the examples that I put

You could, but who knows whether the founding fathers' wives contributed anything. They also experienced turmoils and anxieties similar to their husbands. Nonetheless, do you think this could strengthen your essay? If so, fashion an introduction and have us critique it.

yeah I agree with you. But do you know how to make it more creative? I think my sentences are sort of grouped like a normal essay, no sense of creativity or that free sense of writing. I am participating in a writing contest, and this girl was the winner of last year's writing prompt. This year has a new writing prompt. But look at the way she writes, with so much creativity.

Are you sure the link is correct? "Page not found."

oh yes I'm dearly sorry michael go to this website and click read winning essay vfw.org/Community/Patriot-s-Pen/ oh yeah this is my new revised essay plz take a look

Ask yourself this question: Am I writing from my heart or writing what I think they want to hear? If it's the latter, then your essay may sound disingenuous.

Furthermore, did you review their judging criteria? As you write your essay, try to follow these guidelines:


Suggestions for this and other drafts:

1) Talk more about the founding fathers than on individuals who were affected by them. On the other hand, you want to thank them for their historic contributions and profound effects on individuals in the 20th century. Whatever you ultimately decide, keep your essay concise and focused.

2) Be specific. Consider adding concrete details such as events, discussions, and debates.

3) Maintain the rhetorical effect of asking questions or making statements between paragraphs.

4) If you want to change your essay, you could think of other ways of communicating with the founders. (Your current essay speaks to them through spirit.)

5) Writing tip: First write down all the things that you want to tell the founding fathers and, then, create an outline supporting those statements. This will help you structure your essay. By the way, the winning essay has an average of 14 words per paragraph. Space is limited, so make sure every word counts.

But I think that if I write thank the founding fathers for their contributions, that is what everybody will write. I want something unique. I think that it might be better if I write about how the contributions that they made affected society. are you saying that I should write about the constitution, bill of rights, etc. do you think I have a chance of winning through this essay? there are 50 national winners in the competition, and the one you read was first place.

. Please be strict and honest when you reply to the question about whether I will win. I am 12 years old, so I don't know about my skill.

what score would you give me out of 100? :)

You're a good writer for someone your age! I don't work on the committee that selects the winners, so I can't say. But your essay needs further refinement. Ask your parents and teachers to read your drafts too. They can provide you with additional comments that'll steer you in the right direction quickly. As I always say, it's best to have as many people as possible critique one's essay.


Write what's relevant to the theme of your paper. I'll give you an example of what I mean.

Before this excerpt,


you wrote this statement:


How do these two statements support each other? What's the connection between the founders and the Statue of Liberty? How does it strengthen the bonds of human rights, equality, and freedom in America? There's ambiguity here. It's important that your ideas connect to one another logically and concisely while developing the overall theme. Review your last two drafts with such questions in mind.

thank you can you give me an idea of what I would get out of a 100 point scale I really don't know how to revise this essay and what your guidelines mean. I think it is pretty good, but I see what you mean. Can you give me some more examples?

also, I was thinking that the Statue of Liberty emphasizes freedom, right?
Furthermore, our founding fathers emphasized the importance of freedom through the bill of rights
that is a connection right? I thought the connection was implied.
Also, can you point out some other things that are non relevant?
can you show me what you mean by adding contributions. I think you mean the Bill of Rights, Declaration of Independence, etc.
Do you think the statements between the paragraphs are rhetorical? Also, do you think my way of communicating is okay?

thank you so much Susan. Can more people look at my essay? I think my ideas might be a little off. What score would you give me out of 100? Please be honest.

thank you can you give me an idea of what I would get out of a 100 point scale I really don't know how to revise this essay and what your guidelines mean. I think it is pretty good, but I see what you mean. Can you give me some more examples?

also, I was thinking that the Statue of Liberty emphasizes freedom, right?
Furthermore, our founding fathers emphasized the importance of freedom through the bill of rights
that is a connection right? I thought the connection was implied.
Also, can you point out some other things that are non relevant?
can you show me what you mean by adding contributions. I think you mean the Bill of Rights, Declaration of Independence, etc.
Do you think the statements between the paragraphs are rhetorical? Also, do you think my way of communicating is okay?

I was on jury duty with limited access to the internet. *frown* Just got home. I'll give you a proper reply soon!

it is okay michael f.
thank you can you give me an idea of what I would get out of a 100 point scale I really don't know how to revise this essay and what your guidelines mean. I think it is pretty good, but I see what you mean. Can you give me some more examples?

also, I was thinking that the Statue of Liberty emphasizes freedom, right?
Furthermore, our founding fathers emphasized the importance of freedom through the bill of rights
that is a connection right? I thought the connection was implied.
Also, can you point out some other things that are non relevant?
can you show me what you mean by adding contributions. I think you mean the Bill of Rights, Declaration of Independence, etc.
Do you think the statements between the paragraphs are rhetorical? Also, do you think my way of communicating is okay?
I have another essay written according to your guidelines. It is not finished, but I think it is better. Can you which of the two essays I have below are better? I personally like the second one, but the first one better follows your guidelines.

You shouldn't depend solely on my opinions of your paper, and it's unnecessary to quantify the awesomeness of your essay.


It's true that the Statue of Liberty symbolizes freedom and prosperity, but you didn't note its connection to the founding fathers. How did the founding fathers enter your mind as you gazed at the Statue of Liberty? Point is, what is the connective relationship between the two? The reader may not pick up on what was intentionally implied by the writer.


Essay titled #1 did an adequate job of doing this.


Whether you decide to use rhetorical questions or stylistically repetitive statements, everything should at least be consistent throughout the essay. I like your voice in this essay.


Essay #1 is much better. It has dates, places, and names that the previous essay lacked. In a way, adding such fine details strengthens your essay. Two of the guidelines are "Knowledge of Theme' and "Clarity of Ideas," and providing such information conveys both insight and research. (Your ideas can be more easily understood.)

thanks michael, but just an afterthought: I was wondering that the first essay doesn't really have the kind of sentences essay 2 has. I mean essay 1 is more grouped together, not flowing easily. I dunno. What about you?

Are you going to be a contributor? I will post my essay as soon as I am done.

There are good qualities in both essays. That doesn't mean it's impossible to combine them into one unified essay. Can't wait to read your next one!

Not sure. They haven't responded yet. We'll see soon!

EDIT:

You wanted me to use the guidelines to quantify your essay, right? I misunderstood.

If I had to judge your essay, my scores would be the following:

Knowledge of the theme is worth 30 points : You must show a thorough knowledge of the theme in your work. Demonstrate you have researched the issue extensively.

10

Theme development is worth 35 points : Answer all relevant facts about the theme such as the who, what, where, when and why. Relate the theme to your own experiences.

15

Clarity of ideas is worth 35 points : Write your essay in an easy-to-understand format. Leave your reader with a clear understanding of your explanation of the theme.

15

Total Poitns: 40

which essay are you grading number 1 or number 2
thanks though I am really ashamed of myself
40 points, wow really But thanks for your help

Drafts are nothing to be ashamed of. Although that was an assessment of your original essay, please don't be overly critical. We're still working on your drafts, so It'll only improve with time! Remember to craft your essay according to the guidelines.

thanks for encouragement :D
what do you mean by the "original essay?"
are you talking about the essay that I wrote when I first started this thread? By that I mean the first post in this thread, and that was my essay.

I don't want to take too much of your time, sorry if I am. :)
But can you just grade this essay. I posted it in another thread and they said that the essay was really good. The moderators said it was one of the best essays she ever read. So I was wondering if you grade it out of 100 points like you did previously. Thanks:)

It is 5 A.M. on a Sunday morning. Needing a temporary reprieve from reality, I sneak out onto my balcony. From there, I stare out into the pre-dawn darkness and gaze at the faint outlines of Lady Liberty's flaming torch and spiked crown. Tall and powerful, her very presence offers a sense of freedom and a new beginning.

You took a lot of good things out, which consequently changed the essay's flow and style. Try to make changes on the last draft. It was good.