'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt?

Hi, Your essay is great and your ability in writing is wonderful. However, If I were u I would try to have a critical look at the domestic and foreign policies of the government, and what the founding fathers expected. U could compare the things that are mentioned in the constitution of the US and the ways that they are executed in the contemporary era. U can talk about wars, poverty, and different social classes in the society, and ask founding fathers about these issues.

This is just my opinion.
Regards
Ahmad

okay michael. I'll post my essay as soon as I'm done. Hope to get at least 90 points or higher hopefully :D

... I already provided a critique for that one. But it's no problem.

Carlos, I'll provide another critique after lunch. In the meantime, maybe you can use this critique to improve upon the most recent draft.

thank you justin h8
please grade it out of 100 points please. I have 352 words, so I was wondering if you think I should add another paragraph.

It is 5 A.M. on a Wednesday morning. My friends have fallen asleep, exhausted by the excitement of the 4th of July celebration. Needing some time for myself, I sneak out onto my balcony and stare at the houses below. The image of diligent and honest American citizens enters my mind. I am proud to stand beside them and call them my friends. We are all united by the principles of liberty that our founding fathers have established.

There are a number of questionable grammatical and syntactical choices, but I'll go ahead and provide an assessment. ** Please keep in mind that I'm not the one who awards the prizes, so don't put too much faith in my scores. **

Here's a revised score for this essay:

Knowledge of the theme is worth 30 points: You must show a thorough knowledge of the theme in your work. Demonstrate you have researched the issue extensively.

20

Theme development is worth 35 points: Answer all relevant facts about the theme such as the who, what, where, when and why. Relate the theme to your own experiences.

25

Clarity of ideas is worth 35 points: Write your essay in an easy-to-understand format. Leave your reader with a clear understanding of your explanation of the theme.

22

Total Points: 67

thank you michael f.
I was wondering what I need to work on the most. I thought I included enough knowledge of the theme information, and I was wondering why my clarity of ideas is so low. I thought I would get at least 15 points higher. Can you provide some critique on how to improve my essay even more? Thanks,

Kyle

hey Michael. I have fashioned a much better introduction and will begin a completely new revision of the essay. The revised essay will still contain a lot of things in the previous post, but it won't have as much ambiguity as the previous one. Here is my introduction I've just started though:

Gigantic flags of red, white, and blue, spinning streamers, noisemakers, and centerpieces, children screaming in parades: sounds just like the paragon birthday party! Yet, the 4th of July is much more than our country's birthday. It is a time to experience a sense of unity and true American pride to stand beside your fellow Americans, and thank our founding fathers for the liberties and freedoms that have made this day possible.

However, I don't how to link it to my next sentence. I think it feels a bit awkward. I want to link it to this sentence:

To the Founding Fathers, I thank you for instilling pride in every American by penning your eloquent words of freedom in the Declaration of Independence.

I was also wondering why my knowledge of theme points for your last grading (it was a total of 20 out of 30 points) was so low. I thought I included a lot more examples of the documents like the Declaration of Independence. Thanks

Kyle, I've been busy this week. I have time now to proofread your recent draft; I'll post it later this evening.

Thanks Michael. Do you think the essay is better though? The requirements told us to use quotations sparingly, so that was why I only used one. Can you provide an assessment? sorry to trouble you

The problem is - you will NEVER be satisfied. The more you revise the already well-written essay, the worse it gets. There is nothing like a 'PERFECT essay' - you can try and ask two or more different professors to grade your essay, and the grade will be different.

DELETE: "in contrast, a week foundation will bring about the downfall of a nation".
It's verbose.

DELETE: "I THANK MY FOUNDING FATHERS FOR PROVIDING A STRONG FOUNDATION OF HUMAN RIGHTS" from your 5th paragraph. It's just repetitive.

Nice idea though. But add anecdotes. It will help SHOW.

View my essay pleeease. I'M NEW..

Take your time, Michael. Do you think the essay is better though? The requirements told us to use quotations sparingly, so that was why I only used one quote. Also, I already have 397 words, and the maximum is 400. Somehow, I think the essay is a little worse than the last one, even though I did not change anything at all. Can you provide an assessment? sorry to trouble you

I'm not writing any essays now, but I'll keep your thoughts in mind. Thank you for the offer! I was at the Supreme Court earlier today to hear the ruling on President Obama's ACA

will always honor the men who risked their lives. To honor the people who risked their fortunes. And to honor the people who risked their sacred honor for The Home of the Brave and The Land of the Free.

Here I was referring to the Founding Fathers because our Founding Fathers risked their lives, fortunes, and honor by signing the Declaration and declaring war.

the most powerful country in the world. Also, why does this need revision?

The individual mandate was deemed unconstitutional under the Commerce Clause; however, it's constitutionality permissible under the tax provisions. So, from what I understand, Americans will be taxed for not having health insurance. I sat there wondering, "Wait, how can Congress tax Americans for not buying something, especially if it's something Congress wants them to buy?"

Admittedly, Congress has the power to regulate commerce and incentivize people to behave a certain way, but it's wrong for them to coerce individuals through taxation (in my opinion). Plus, there's also the issue of its passage into law. In 2010, our representatives were under the impression that it wasn't a tax bill, so it "skipped" senatorial oversight.

*cue suspense music*

And although Congress can impose taxes to raise revenue, the bigger question remains: is it okay to tax (i.e., "penalize") people who don't want health insurance?

In addition, what is the role of government in our lives?

Can't wait to see how this issue plays out. Personally, the ACA doesn't affect me because I have health insurance. I enjoy hearing the debates, though. In my opinion, I think there's a better approach to health care reform.

hi carlos. you did really good job. for what is this?

Muminkhuja: Thank you. This is for a writing contest I'm participating in and I just wanted someone to check out my grammar.
Michael: You have a good point, but if Congress can force people who don't have health insurance to buy health insurance, then Congress can literally force us to do anything. Agreed?

Oh yeah, so how do you think I should address the theme in a better way? I want my theme to be "I will tell the Founder that I will always honoring you" but are you saying that I don't demonstrate that effectively enough? Or I should keep referring to it throughout the essay? I thought I was already referring it throughout the essay by specifying when I should honor the Founders.

Thanks for your critique. I'll post my revised essay as soon as I'm done.

Muminkhuja: Thank you. This is for a writing contest I'm participating in and I just wanted someone to check out my grammar.

Michael: You have a good point, but if Congress can force people who don't have health insurance to buy health insurance, then Congress can literally force us to do anything. Agreed?

And Michael, for the white wigged characters, I wasn't referring to their skin color. I was referring to their wigs; ie. their wigs are white.Oh yeah, so how do you think I should address the theme in a better way? I want my theme to be "I will tell the Founder that I will always honoring you" but are you saying that I don't demonstrate that effectively enough? Or I should keep referring to it throughout the essay? I thought I was already referring it throughout the essay by specifying when I should honor the Founders.

Thanks for your critique. I'll post my revised essay as soon as I'm done.

That seems to be the majority opinion. Democratic representatives, however, are merely celebrating. Most of them have chosen to disregard your argument. Perhaps they're protecting the president's reputation in this year's election cycle? One democratic representative, Rep. Chaka Fattah, argued that the penalty for not buying health insurance is the same as paying for a speeding ticket. I disagree: a speeding ticket doesn't tax people for not purchasing a product, the ACA does.


That concern may manifest in 2016. The idea behind this legislation is that involving everyone will lower the cost of health care, including insurance premiums; thereby alleviating the burden of having to pay for the uninsured. Supposedly, for this to work, Congress must compel the participation of people with pre-existing conditions as well as people without PEC. The abundance of healthier people participating in the exchange program will offset the increased costs of health care that people with pre-existing conditions would normally experience.

If your parents want to analyze the application of a similar bill, Governor Romney enacted one in his own state. Now was it effective at lowering premiums? Not really, but it did slow down rising costs of health care marginally. But implementing a similar plan at the national level may be a different story.


Your meaning wasn't clear in that context. Wigged can be a verb as well. Nevertheless, it's inconsequential information that doesn't help your paper.


[I commend you for working so hard on your essay. But with all the drafts you've written so far, you can combine bits and pieces to craft an effective essay. Would you be willing to try that?]

Based on images found in history textbooks, many young Americans mistakenly view our founding fathers as outlandish men who wore powdered wigs. To me, however, they symbolize much more. These deep, spiritual thinkers struggled to build the very foundations of America and instill the principles of freedom and liberty in its citizens. As a result of their actions, they affected not only Americans, but also millions, if not billions of people worldwide. Our founding fathers epitomize the greatest beacon of hope humanity has ever known, and may ever know.

[What do you think about this revised version of your original paragraph?]

In the areas you changed, you used the incorrect tense. Just a heads up.

I mentioned this before, but it's worth mentioning again. You could combine bits and pieces of your previous drafts to create a compelling essay.

By the way, did you craft an outline before writing this draft?

no I didn't craft an outline. Okay, I'll try to use your advice by combining pieces of my previous drafts. I'll post up my next draft later. Thanks for your help

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the deadline is in November. No rush, right?

yeah, you're right. But you it is summer vacation for me right now, and I am going to be busy in the next few months, so I won't have a lot of time to craft a final draft. So, I will have to use the time I have now.

That's a productive use of your time!

I have an idea to make this process much easier for both of us. Well, to be honest, it'll make things easier for me.

If you give me your e-mail address, from now on I'll e-mail you the critiques in MS Word. (It has a helpful "track changes" function.)

Post your drafts here, and then I'll e-mail you the edits. We'll still have our discussions in the forum, though.

Let me know what you think.

Great. I'll wait for your draft then.

Take your time.

I've finished the critique and edits for this draft. I want other members to see what we're doing, though. Too bad we can't attach documents here.

Copied and pasted my comments to help others.

Please use "track changes" to review the document I sent you.

Nice job with the essay! It's much better, at least to me.

michael, you can attach files. When you start your message, do you see the icons- the color red, blue, and green and the bold, italic, indent, symbols. Yeah, look below that and it says attach files. I'll post my draft in 10-25 minutes. Thanks for your critique. I got your email, but you emailed me two attached files, and they were both the same; so I just used one for my draft.

I was using a browser that didn't show it. Thanks for letting me know.


We usually send two to ensure delivery. They're the same document.


I recommend spending more time on revising your drafts. Check it slowly.

its good after its edited

thanks michael. But are you part of an organization called Editors4Writers? I'll post my revised essay soon.

You could describe it as an organization. But I'm not here to represent that company.

Great. Remember to take your time.

By the way, we are not allowed to attach MS Word documents. Only images.

In addition, focus on "the reason" in paragraph two. Paragraph six is an interesting statement: "...unknowingly laid the basis." But is that what they truly wanted for America? It demands to be analyzed a little bit in your essay. Dedicate one or two sentences.

Um, I was wondering why you always deleted the word "sacred" in this phrase: lives, fortunes, and sacred honor. It was a phrase that our Founders used: Our Lives, Our Fortunes, Our Sacred Honor"

I know the writer you're trying to paraphrase.


That's why I always ask you to revise those particular sections. If I can identify the writing, more than likely members of the scholarship committee can too. So use your own words.

Furthermore, should you win and have your paper published, someone may accuse you of plagiarizing. As a result, your scholarship will be invalidated and you could face other consequences.

Oh, I was trying to paraphrase the words, but the "paraphrased words" show through clearly. You're right.
If I can identify the writing, more than likely members of the scholarship committee can too. So use your own words. - It's not really a scholarship commitee; it's more like a nationwide contest. Okay, I'll fix all the sections.

I really like it