thank you for the corrections.
their call of duty through great depths of turmoil and depression to form our nation!- I don't know why you want me to revise this sentence. I didn't paraphrase this sentence or the paragraph below:
Many lost their children, wives, and even families. Our Founder, Abraham Clark, was under pressure to give in to the British request to repeal his signature from the Declaration of Independence. The British offered to take his son's lives if he did not accede to their wishes. Imagine the despair in his very heart, the hopelessness in his very soul, as he answered, "No." .
Thanks. I corrected that whole paragraph and added even more pizazz ( well, if one could call it pizazz) :). By the by, I just wanted to thank you so much for sticking with me tooth and nail for this writing contest. You have helped so much and I think my essay has ameliorated so much.
I was wondering if you could possibly offer any suggestions on my ending statement: God Bless America and may your great sacrifice for The Land of the Free and The Home of the Brave never be forgotten! I think the phrase "never be forgotten " is a little awkward. I was thinking of idioms like "bite the dust" or something typical like "fade away."
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By the by, I just wanted to thank you so much for sticking with me tooth and nail for this writing contest.
Life is all about helping others.I was thinking of idioms like "bite the dust" or something typical like "fade away."
Although I'd refrain from cliches and idioms, you can add them. I don't recommend them because they rarely make any paper better.sorry for my naiveness again, michael, but I was wondering why these sentences had to be fixed:
These few heroes did not cower [How about "retreat"?] away when faced with the seemingly impossible tasks of uniting12 miniscule colonies, but unwaveringly gave up their lives for the common good.
For no one could have blamed our Founder, Abraham Clark, for relenting refusing? to the British's request demand to withdraw remove his signature from the Declaration of Independence, even though they British had offered threatened to take kill his sons' lives.
[Suggestion: "...refused to betray his country and his principles, even if it meant the death of his son."]
For no one could have blamed our Founder, Richard Stockton, for giving in from his incarceration at the feet of British Loyalists.
haha, no need to belittle yourself. You're not naive.
Ultimately, Clark did sign the Declaration of Independence. But I got the sense that you were trying to phrase the paragraph this way: we wouldn't have blamed him if he didn't sign it. That's fine, but--in my opinion--your meaning would have been much clearer had you went the direct route and stated what really happened. The way it was written made it sound as if he and Stockton gave up. Somewhat misleading.
Sorry, Michael, /I was on vacation without internet access. I'll get back as soon as I can. But one thing, can you give me an assessment out of 100 points?
I mean Knowledge of the Theme 30 points or something like that
here is the rubric for your convenience
Knowledge of the theme is worth 30 points: You must show a thorough knowledge of the theme in your work. Demonstrate you have researched the issue extensively.
Theme development is worth 35 points: Answer all relevant facts about the theme such as the who, what, where, when and why. Relate the theme to your own experiences.
Clarity of ideas is worth 35 points: Write your essay in an easy-to-understand format. Leave your reader with a clear understanding of your explanation of the theme.
Total Points: xx/100
Knowledge of the theme is worth 30 points: You must show a thorough knowledge of the theme in your work. Demonstrate you have researched the issue extensively.
10
Theme development is worth 35 points: Answer all relevant facts about the theme such as the who, what, where, when and why. Relate the theme to your own experiences.
15
Clarity of ideas is worth 35 points: Write your essay in an easy-to-understand format. Leave your reader with a clear understanding of your explanation of the theme.
15
Total Poitns: 40
Knowledge and clarity are satisfactory. My only concern is how your essay develops the theme. "Relate the theme to your experiences." Yeah, you talk about the barbecue, newspaper, and Chen. Those could be considered experiences that affected you indirectly.
But I've been helping you with this essay for the last 134 posts; you need fresh insight from another editor. Has anyone else read your essay? If so, what were his or her comments?
Another previous Patriot's Pen essay contest almost 1st place (he was 3rd in state) state winner (ie. it goes through your local area, district, state, then national) there are 50 national winners, and he said he really liked my essay and that I had a good chance of winning. So I don't know.
Also, do you think I have related the theme to my experiences adequately or do you think I should provide more experiences?
Another previous Patriot's Pen essay contest almost 1st place (he was 3rd in state) state winner (ie. it goes through your local area, district, state, then national) there are 50 national winners, and he said he really liked my essay and that I had a good chance of winning.
I read that thread today. Keep asking people for their opinions, especially adults.
Also, do you think I have related the theme to my experiences adequately or do you think I should provide more experiences?
You should refine what you have now, unless you want to add more experiences. It looks good so far.
Thank you Michael. I'll take your advice. I might open another thread and ask for other feedback. Meanwhile, can anyone look at my thread? You can also offer your advice in this thread, Michael F.
I like this one better than your previous one... the idea is much more solid and it is in a sequential order..
Change Martin Luther King to Martin Luther King Jr.
Thanks Michael and Aspring Writer for your help! Aspiring Writer, the essay that you're looking at is like 100 posts back. When you open the thread, look at the bottom of the page and it will say 1 2 3 4. Go to 4 and scroll to the bottom of the page to see my essay. also, my essay is below
Michael, I asked my writing summer teacher for some critique and she really liked the essay. However, she advised me to change my essay to move all of this:
For no one could have blamed our Founder, Abraham Clark, for relenting to the British request to withdraw his signature from the Declaration, even though the British had offered to take his sons' lives.
For no one could have blamed our Founder, Richard Stockton, for giving in from his incarceration at the feet of British Loyalists.
For these few heroes did not cower away when faced with the seemingly impossible tasks of uniting 12 miniscule colonies, but unwaveringly gave up their lives for the common good.
And so, I thank the men who sacrificed their lives, fortunes, and honor for the well-being of "our one nation under God!"
I thank the men who rose above and beyond their call of duty through great depths of turmoil and depression to "give birth" to our nation!
to in front of this sentence It is a time to reflect on the deep, spiritual leaders who created our nation-and why we get a three-day weekend. Also Aspiring Writer do you think I have a good chance of winning?
Also, Michael do you have any more critique for my essay if not to trouble you?
Thanks for the advice all ：） @aspiring writer, this is my full essay if you haven't seen it. Also, the deadline is drawing closer. Hope we can both win：
Did your writing teacher also proofread for errors?
yes she did. But she was in a rush so I guess she wasn't really fastidious or hypercritical
Your essay is completely different than how it began...Is this still your essay? Or am I reading an essay for a different prompt?
Oh and Michael, I was wondering why you fixed this part: the government imprisoned him for his peaceful activities in defense of human rights demonstrations.
"...for his peaceful human rights demonstration(s)."Demonstration means "a public meeting or march protesting against something or expressing views on a political issue." I've seen it in a number of contexts. But whether to use it or not is your choice.
It seems as if you overlooked several syntactic and grammatical corrections. Did you do this inadvertently? If so, please peruse the last post. Having to point out mistakes a second time irritates me a bit, especially when I'm simply doing my best to help.
Sorry Michael. Yes I did do it inadvertently, but I applied all the corrections that you made to my essay.
hey guys I am about to turn this essay in tomorrow. I hope that you can critique it and give it an overall score out of 100 points based on the following criteria:
Knowledge of the theme is worth 30 points: You must show a thorough knowledge of the theme in your work. Demonstrate you have researched the issue extensively.
10
Theme development is worth 35 points: Answer all relevant facts about the theme such as the who, what, where, when and why. Relate the theme to your own experiences.
15
Clarity of ideas is worth 35 points: Write your essay in an easy-to-understand format. Leave your reader with a clear understanding of your explanation of the theme.
15
Carlos, I hope all is well!
How many people have seen your recent essay?
I have had my parents look at it and two teachers. I didn't want to give to my friends because they might have wanted to participate in the competition and I don't have any other teachers. Unfortunately, my parents wanted to get over it and already told me to submit it. Alas, I had to follow their wishes and I submitted it today.Yet, I was hoping if you can give some of your opinions and critique on the score that I was receive.
Thank you so much for your help.
Actually, I had plans of providing you with a thoroughly revised version of this essay. But seeing as it has already been submitted, I suggest that you not worry about it anymore. Now its success depends on the judges. If you win an award, congratulations will be in order. If nothing is awarded, you'll inevitably move on with your life and participate in other opportunities.
Wouldn't you agree that this experience was nonetheless worthwhile?
Yes, this was definitely a worthwhile experience. Nevertheless, I would still like to work on my grammar and overall writing structure, even though my essay is already submitted. I feel that my writing skills need to be improved, so if you have the time, could you please provide a QUICK (I don't want to take up your time) revision? I would like to see where I need to improve and build up on there.
