IELTS Writing task 1 - the changes that took place in three different areas of crime in Newport city

The chart shows the changes that took place in three different areas of crime in Newport city center from 2003-2012

Hi everyone, it's my IELTS writing task 1 practice. I hope I can know the mistakes and ways to fix them. Thank you.

crime rate in New Port city

"The line graph displays the alterations in level in three main areas of crime in the center of New Port city between 2003 and 2012.
In the general, the number of burglary incidents experienced the most noticeable change in the graph. Additionally, the figure for robbery was by far lowest during the research period.

In 2003, the quantity of housebreaking occurrences was highest, at nearly 3500, while the figure for car theft was slightly lower, at almost 3000 incidents. At the same time, the robbery cases stood at only around 600.

In 2008, after reaching its peak in 2004, at almost 3700, the number of burglary accidents declined dramatically and reached the lowest point of just over 1000. Similarly, there were slow falls for the figures of stolen cars and purse-snatching.

In 2012, the quantity of stolen car incidents rose sharply to around 3200 and became the highest figure in the chart. This year also witnessed gradual climbs to around 1400 and over 500 occurrences in the figures for breaking - entering and robbery respectively."

• 
  274152_1.jpg
  

Dear Vuxlinh

In your current essay, you are starting the last three paragraphs in exactly the same way. You will achieve a higher score if you use different sentence structures. For example, you can say "Burglaries showed the most striking decline of all forms of crime" and then continue to give the details. You should also try to use more synonyms - avoid using the same adjective more than once, even in different forms (low, lower, lowest). You have used "decline" and "falls" - which is good - try also words like decrease, lessen, sink, trough. Another suggestion is to include use vehicle instead of repeating "car". Also try mixing it up with phrases like "doubled" or "halved" instead of just giving the raw numbers every time. I hope this helps.

Hey..., after perusing your report writing more closely, then I will give you some feedback as to help you improve your essay. Let me start with the opening paragraph. This paragraph is good. However, the way you paraphrase the question is too close to the original prompt. Instead of changing the words only, I think you'd better change the structure also. You may us a passive form. A closer look my sample: A brief comparison of three crime types in the center of New Port city is presented in the line chart, and the data is taken between 2003 and 2012. The next point to be considered is the way you write the overview. A good overview should cover what you discuss in body paragraph, showing the main trends and differences of the data. The last but not least is sentence structures. If you want to reach a score of 7 or above in Grammatical range and accuracy, then you need to use a wide range of sentence structures. What are they? They are compound sentence, compound and complex sentence, a passive sentence, fronting, participle sentences, and so on, not just a group of simple sentences

Note:
- Please attach a clear picture of the graph, so I can help you more.
- Write some changes based on my feedback and post them write below this. I will see and share some insights on them

Thanks and Good luck,

Eddy Suaib, an IELTS teacher of English Studio Kampung Inggris Pare, Kediri Indonesia.

@Xti02
thank you for your suggestion. It helps me a lots.

@eddies
Hi, your feedback is really professional. Besides that, I have a question: what band score can I get with my essay? My target is 7.0 in Writing and I hope I can improve to reach it.

why is 'In the general '
I think 'in general' would be correct, but I'm not native speaker :)

oh, it's my mistake, I didn't recognize it. Thank you.