Hey, I try to have TOEFL test, and this is my first try on essay. If someone have time to correct my essay, that would be great. Thank.
[Topic] If you could go back to some time and place in the past, when and
where would you go? Why? Use specific reasons and details to
support your choice.
There are many reasons that people want to change something in the past. For my personal reasons, first, I would like to fix some mistake that I had already done in the past. Second, I would like to do something in best effort. Third, I would like to erase some bad feeling that persist in my mind.
Firstly, I want to fix some mistakes. I would like to back to the time that I was six year old. When I was six year old, I did some mistake. I accidentally killed three baby birds. In that time, I climbed the tree that was in the garden behind my home. I saw the nest on that tree. I was curious about how many baby birds were in there. I decided to climb to see with my eyes. I saw three baby birds in that nest. When I wanted to climb down, My hand accidentally hit that nest. The nest fall down to the ground. Three little birds died from falling from the tree. I don't want to kill those birds. That is why I want to back to that time.
Secondly, the reasons that I want to go back in the time in the past because I would to do something in best effort for getting the best result. When I am was eighteen in high school. I was not pay attention enough to study. In that time, I thought that it is enough to read a book without trying rehearsal the topic. As the result, I got C in every single subject. I would like to study as hard as I can to get better result.
Lastly, I would like to erase some bad feeling that still struct in my mind. I want to go to when I was seventeen. When I was seventeen, I had a big fight with my best friend. After that, we never talk to each other any more. I felt terrible about this situation because in some reasons that was my fault. But I chose not to talk with my best friend. This make me feel bad. If i could back in this time, I would go to apologize to my best friend.
In conclusion, the reasons I want to go back in time because I would like to fix the problem that I had already done. Beside, I would like to do as much as I can to get the best result. Moreover, I would like to erase my bad feeling. It would be great if I could go back to the past.
FirstlyTo begin with , I want to fix some mistakes
you said "some mistakes" while you only wrote about one mistake in the rest of the paragraph.
I was six year old. When I was six year old
There are lots of repetitions like this throughout your essay.
theAnother reasonswhich sometimes makes me to think about turining back in time is to do the tasks that I should have done in the paset.that I want to go back in the time in the past because I would like to do something in best effort for getting the best result
For my personal reasons, first, I would like to fix some mistakes that I had already done in the past. Second, I would like to do somethingthings in best effort. Third, I would like to erase some bad feelings that persist in my mind.
... plural sounds better :)
Firstly, I want to fix some mistakes.
First, I want fix some mistakes done in the past.I would like to back to the time that I was six year old.
I'd like to go back to the time that I was six years old.When I was six year old, I did some mistake. I accidentally killed three baby birds.
I'd like to go back to the time that I was six years old to fix the terrible mistake of killing three baby birds by accident.