Unanswered [8] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4


IELTS - Writing Task 2 The characteristic we are born will have many much more influence on our pers


Ilmi_03 47 / 69 11  
May 22, 2016   #1
Research indicates that the characteristic we are born will have many much more influence on our personality and development than any experiences we may have in life. Which do you consider to be the major influence?

Recently studies found that human behavior is more influenced by the nature of genes than experiences in life. While others argued that heredity affects personality, I believe that the experiences is the prime determiner of personality and development.

On the one hand, I agree that innate characteristics determine a person's behavior. It is more likely related to genetic code, as well known as deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA) which is inherited from our parents. Thus, each individual has his own identity. In the field of behavioral genetics, Kazuo Murakami, Ph.D found that genes comprised of positive and negative genes which control human behavior completely. The activation of positive genes will lead genetic mutations to perform good behavior, and the opposite occurs while the negative ones active. However, the result also show that environment is the determinant factor to ignite both type of genes.

Nevertheless, I believe that experiences gained from environment have a greater impact on individual personality. One of the main powerful factor is family. A person might be born as a sanguine person, but raise in a broken home family. As the consequence, he could become a pessimistic person when he grew up. Educational institutions also able to influence individual characters. Some badly behaved children registered to religious school for trained to be a well-qualified individual. This environment could change their behavior, since they performed a good personality in society after finished their study. Moreover, human interactions in community provides many experiences that able to sharpen our talent and ability.

To sum up, it is evident that although heredity as one of determinant factor, I strongly believe that experiences has a greater impact to our behavior. Therefore, people have to choose the appropriate environment in order to plan a better-qualified future.
pebzna12 13 / 24 9  
May 22, 2016   #2
Hello Ilmi!
Let me share several things with you.

To start with, your writing in my opinion has been well-developed, you just need to be careful in some points as follows.

Paragraph 2
However, the result also shows that environment is the ...

Paragraph 3
One of the main powerful factor is family. For example , a person might be born as ... >> The phrase 'for example' is better added in the beginning of second sentence to indicate the relation with the previous sentence.

Some badly behaved children, for instance, registered to religious school ... >> Similar as the prior two sentences above that the phrase that indicates 'example' to relate to the earlier sentence is needed.

This environment could change their behavior, since they performed ... >> comma is not needed there because the sub-clause that own the conjunction 'since' is placed after the main clause.

Hopefully that will be helpful. (:
Theodore 4 / 7 2  
May 23, 2016   #3
Hello llmi
Nice essay but more pronounced ideas are needed to strengthen your essay. You can include scenarios such as gangsterism in your third paragraph. For example, teenagers who frequently socialise with gangsters are highly likely to become one.

I hope my ideas are helpful.
akbartaufiq25 7 / 81 54  
May 23, 2016   #4
Ilmi, your efforts to get a high score in IELTS writing is remarkable. I saw that you almost upload new essays every day in EF. Let's have a look to your essay. I am sure that you can actually write this essay better. There are several things you need to consider this time which I put it as follows:

"Recently studies.."
"I believe that the experiences isare the.."
"..the result also shows that.."
"..to ignite both types of genes."
"One of the main powerful factor.." Repetitive words.
" A personboy might be.." The word "boy" is more suitable because you use pronoun "he" in the later sentences.

"..registered to religious school for trainedtraining to be a well-qualified individual." You can omit the phrase "for training" as well.

"..experiences hashave a greater

The opening statement in the second paragraph looks confusing. Supporting both sides in writing an argumentative essay is not allowed. Probably the first sentence in the second paragraph aims to show the opposing argument to the previous idea, but using phrases such as"I agree" affects the message of the writing. It looks like the opposite argument is accepted but then the next paragraph depicts the counter-measure again. Thus, it is better to restate the phrase into "Although some people agree that..." because this sentence does not refer to the writer's opinion.

There you have it Ilmi. Wish these helps. Keep practicing! Regards.


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS - Writing Task 2 The characteristic we are born will have many much more influence on our pers
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳