IELTS TASK 1- The chart below gives information about the most common sports played in New Zealand

Hello, i'm Mao. This is my first post in essay forum
Could you give a strong critical comment? as a leraners i very hope feedback from all member. i believe it can improve y skill in writing task. Thanks

Question :

The chart below gives information about the most common sports played in New Zealand in 2002.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

Answer :

The given bar graph illustrates information about the number of sports played in New Zealand by girls and boy with different sports in 2012. As is observed from the graph, both of them describe that their participatory in sports is almost same. However, the preference of their sports is different.

The bar graph compares of sports by girls and boy and compare with percentation between girls and boys. Soccer is the most popular sport among the boys, with percentation reaching 25 percent. It is similar with netball. The percentation approximately 26 percent. This is a famous sport by girls.

A few girls chooses a game of cricket while boys takes part in this game almost 10 percent. Boys and Girls play swimming in 13 percent and almost 22 percent. It becomes popular sport of them. On the other hand, the kind of sports such as tennis, basketball, and martial arts are not popular sports.

• 
  IELTS_Writing_Task_1.png
  

hi.. ismawan.. -)

your first sentence
... information about the number of sports played in New Zealand by girls and boy with different sports in 2012
... information about the number of different sports played in New Zealand by girls and boys in 2012.

vocabulary error :
participatory : participation

paragraph 2 :
The bar graph compares of sports done by girls and boy and compare with percentation of each kind of sportsbetween girls and boys
Soccer is the most popular sports among the boys, with percentation reaching 25 percent.
It is similar with netball. The percentation approximately 26 percent. This is a famous sport by girls.
while girls play netball the most.

paragraph 3 :
A few girls choosesa game of cricket while 10 percent of boys takes part in this game almost 10 percent .
Boys and Girls play swimming in take 13 percent and almost 22 percent in swimming .
It becomes popular sport of them
it becomes the most popular sports among them.
On the other hand,the kinds of sports such as tennis, basketball, and martial arts are not popular sports.
Other sports, such as tennis, basketball and martial arts, are less popular.

those are some structural corrections. i hope it will be useful.

best regards,

Hi,pak Mao. welcome to the essay forum. I hope you enjoy to post your writing practice.

I want to focus in grammatical view and meaning view in the first paragraph

-The given bar graph illustrates information about the number of sports played in New Zealand by girls and boy with different sports in 2012. As is observed from the graph , both of them describe that their participatory in sports is almost same (similar). However, the preference of their sports is different.

for the fist sentence in paragraph 1, the sentence will be better if you write: - the bar graph illustrates or the bar chart gives information about.... I am not clear, if you put 'given in there, and illustrates information is double meaning.

As is observed from the graph,.... maybe you can put it in next paragraph, but for overview you can use overall, or it is noticeable that,........

'their' in their participatory in sports is not make sense, you should be clear for the meaning. the possible sentence: Overall, both of sexes ..................................................

You must have clear meaning in overview. I am not clear with your sentence: both of them describe that their participatory in sports is almost same. However, the preference of their sports is different. . Same in what? after that you wrote However,.........................different.

In my opinion, it is contrast sentence.

I wish my feedback be a new value for you. Good luck pak Mao