The charts; the percentage of boys and girls aged 5-14 taking part in cultural activities and sports

activities in Australia in 2003

The two bar charts compare the proportions of 5 to 14-year-old participants of both genders in cultural activities and sports in Australia in 2003.

Overall, while significantly more males than females took part in sports, most cultural activities were more popular among girls than boys except playing musical instruments.

In this year, it can be seen that sports was common with the majority of boys (70%), while just over a half of the girls enjoyed playing sports.

In respect of cultural activities, a very small number of girls engaged in singing and drama activities account for 5% for each one, yet that number of boys were even approximately lower than 2%. The percentage of girls playing musical instruments was threefold higher than the former and the figures for males joining in this activity was three out of two compared with female rate. Dancing was considered as the most preferable activity participated by girls at a quarter. In contrast, this proportion of boys was a tiny minority with only about 2%.

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While the essay does contain more than enough words to be given proper scoring consideration, the problem that the writer has with thought presentation through sentence formation will cause major C+C and GRA deductions for this essay. Both of which could very well result in a failing score for the essay.

For starters, the writer creates constant confusion in his writing due to his long sentences which combine information in it when it should have been divided into at least 2 sentence presentations. He appears to not be familiar with the rules governing sentence presentations. That is, every sentence must reflect one clear idea and explanation instead of multiple idea explanations / presentations.

Each paragraph will only qualify for proper scoring when there are at least 3 sentences in every paragraph, with the summary overview + trending statement combined into one paragraph at the start of the essay. In this case, the word count did not help the score because of the lack of proper paragraph formatting and a need for clearer explanations. He has up to 200 words to work with, he should use the count to his advantage.

In a task 1 essay, shorter but informative sentences, combined with individualized data presentation for each image receive more scoring considerations. Since this is a 2 image presentation, a 4 paragraph report should have been used reflective of 2 individual reporting sections and 1 comparision discussion paragraph.

I think the writer's word choice is quite inappropriate, for example, "in this year" makes the statement become unclear or uncertain and lead to confusing. Instead of adding an uncertain phrase like that, you should use specific time or date to make your depiction clearly understandable.

I don't think you should use "while " at the beginning of the sentence, and "while significantly more males than females took part in sports" sounds strange to me. In addition, I guess "most cultural activities were more popular among girls than boys except playing musical instruments" may have some errors. For me, I think you should rephrase it again .

For me , I will rephrase it " There are more boys interested in cultural activities than those of girls, except playing musical instruments"