Unanswered [4] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 8

[IELTS task 1]The charts below show the proportions of British students at one university in England

John050645 1 / -  
Aug 16, 2017   #1

foreign language speakers in an the school

The pie charts illustrate the proportions of British students at one university whether they can speak other languages besides English.One reveals the proportion of 2000 while the other provides the data in 2010

It is clear that the proportion of Spanish only was the most dominant group which increased from 30% to 35% in 2010.While the percentage of no other language dropped from20% in 2000 to 10% which lost the second primary group in 2000.

More specifically ,the proportion of two other languages tended to slightly rise from 10% to 15%. On the contrary, the percentage of French only declined less significantly to 10%,which was as much as the proportion of no other language. Additionally, the increase of another language was less marked which rose to 20% as the second dominant group in 2010.

Interestingly, the percentage of German only remained stable in 2000 and 2010 which was as much as the proportion of French only and no other language.
Overview, the group speaking Spanish only always dominated a large proportion of British students, and the proportion of another language was approximately less half than those speaking Spanish.while the total of other groups namely speaking French only,German only, no other language or two other dominated almost half of British students.

Wendy0604 3 / 7 2  
Aug 16, 2017   #2
Here are my suggestions. I am not professional but I try my best and tell you what I have learned from others.

1. I think the sentence"Interestingly, the percentage of German only remained stable in 2000 and 2010 which was as much as the proportion of French only and no other language." should be put in the end of third paragraph. It is because your last paragraph is an overview.

2. The word "while" is used in an incorrect way.
Sentence A, while Sentence B.
While Sentence A, Sentence B.
While Sentence A. -----> incorrect

Good luck:)
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,919 4799  
Aug 16, 2017   #3
Lao, the essay is not as informative as it should be. The summary overview is confusing as you do not use the keyword "year" when presenting the number 2000 and 2010. It is important that you represent a proper summary outline in the essay by also including the types of languages for consideration in the pie chart. The proper discussion for this essay should have presented all of the information for each year in separate paragraphs before creating a comparison discussion in the 3rd paragraph of the essay leading into the 4 and final paragraph. Since you did not accurately represent all languages and you neglected to use the exact percentage figures for all the information provided, it would be extremely difficult for you to get a higher than average score for this essay. You will only get a barely passing score in this instance. That will even depend upon the minor scoring considerations that the examiner will have to take into account while analyzing and scoring your work.
henryo2 2 / 2  
Aug 16, 2017   #4
Hello, as I am still learning and not an expert to give an opinion, but i have notice that the overall paragraph is not properly arranged and has a sentence wich should not be included.
Ahmad1103 1 / 3  
Aug 17, 2017   #5
regard to your essay, it is better for you to use a degree of comparison to increase your GPA and CC. And also hard to find the overview, because you write many sentences that explain as overall.
tran14 12 / 26 7  
Aug 19, 2017   #6
1) Your way of paraphrasing the topic sentence is not appropriate.
2) It is better to join the two sentences into just 1 sentence for the topic sentence.
3) They way you put adv is unnatural.
4) Your expression is cumbersome, unclear and sometimes incomprehensible or even wrong.
5) I don't know whether your 2nd paragraph is an overview or not. If it isn't, then write one. If it is, then you write it the wrong way because you must not attach any figure in the paragraph.

6) Do not use 'overview' for the conclusion. It doesn't make sense at all.
=> I think you should study grammatical structures more carefully before using them in your essay. Good luck.
minh2310 1 / 3  
Aug 22, 2017   #7
It seems to me that your overview is so confused
nhantran 1 / 4 1  
Aug 28, 2017   #8
WELL, as I know. The overview you could put in both at the beginning and at the end, but it should be put at the beginning. The second thing is that you should not give specific information in the overview, for example, percentage or exact numbers. I hope this usefull for you.

Home / Writing Feedback / [IELTS task 1]The charts below show the proportions of British students at one university in England
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳