CHILDHOOD OBESITY : CAUSES AND SOLUTION (writing part 2) - several reasons

Hi everyone! I'm a newbie, hope that I can get useful advices from u guys <3
p/s: I'm studying IELTS writing, can u guys mark this part 2 for me? I dont know exactly which grade I'm in...Thank youuuuu in advance :>

CHILDHOOD OBESITY IS BECOMING A SERIOUS PROBLEM IN MANY COUNTRIES. CAUSES AND SOLUTION?

These days, there is a growing trend in the number of obese children which becomes a great concern to many countries. This essay will examine the main causes and possible solutions to the problem.

There are several reasons for the increasing trend of childhood obesity. One of the principal reasons is about the amount and what kind of food they eat every day. Children these days often eat a lot of fast food such as pizza and spaghetti which are not only high in calories but also saturated fat. If they continue to consume this food for a long time, it may make them overweight. The second reason is that the lifestyles of children are becoming more inactive. It means that they would prefer to stay at home and watch TV or browse the Internet rather than joining outdoor activities, including playing sports and hanging out with friends. As a consequence, they are not able to burn excessive calories and can not maintain a healthy weight.

Some probable solutions that could be suggested to tackle this problem need both parents and children involved. The first solution is that parents should provide their children knowledge about the harmful effects of obesity and the importance of a healthy diet. Moreover, it is also crucial for parents to spend some time attending outdoor activities with their kids. This will helps them to get closer as well as be able to understand each other more. Finally, limited screen time should be set so that children might not spend too much time in front of smartphones or television.

To conclude, the problem of overweight children is caused by various reasons. However, we can gradually solve by some above actions to deal with this concern.

The topic restatement is well developed and does not alter the original topic and concerns. However, simply restating the discussion instructions does not increase the TA score as no straight responses were provided to help show a clear opinion based on English comprehension skills. The questions are meant to provide your discussion summary in relation to the writing instructions. The current paraphrase + response format doesn't maximize the score for that paragraph due to the limited response presentation.

To write a cohesive paragraph, learn to develop connecting sentences or presentations that show a connection between point 1 and point 2. For example:

The unhealthy food consumption, coupled with a sedentary lifestyle creates the perfect combination for obesity. This inactivity...

Such a connected transition will help increase the clarity and connectivity of the paragraph discussion.

In the solutions paragraph, the introduction of controlled screen time is not well done.The reason lacks proper explanation development when compared to the first. This is going to lower the score for this section. Remember what I said above about the need to properly connect the discussion points.

As this is your first essay, you should not be concerned with a score yet. Once you have learned to properly write the essays, then scoring can follow. It is too soon to be score centeredin your writing.

* Limited review provided. Contact us privately for a complete scoring assessment.