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Explain some possible reasons and solutions for the issue of obesity - IELTS writing task 2

the lack of healthy food and physical exercises

Hi everyone, I am practising writing IELTS writing task 2 and I hope you all help me improve my writing skills.
Here is the task:

Obesity is an increasing public health problem in some parts of the world. Explain some possible reasons for this problem and suggest some solutions.
Give reasons for your answer, and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. Write at least 250 words.

Here is my answer:

It is true that obesity has been a serious health issue in many developed countries. There are several causes of this problem, but there are also solutions. One cause is a poor diet. Another cause is lack of physical activity. People should try to have healthier meals and take regular exercises.

The first reason for obesity is that most people do not have a balanced diet. Specifically, they prefer eating out at restaurants that serve fast foods such as fried chicken and hamburgers. These kinds of food contain a great amount of unhealthy fat and calories which make people who consume them gain weight. Besides, many of them have late night dinners, which, according to scientists, may increase the risk of obesity because the body does not have an opportunity to burn the calories.

The second reason is that obese people do not take regular exercises. As a result of the fast pace of modern life, these people tend to have a sedentary lifestyle. In simpler terms, they often sit long hours at their offices and spend less time for outdoor activities. Moreover, the harder they work, the more stress that places on them, which can also encourage a passive lifestyle. In other words, stressed people tend to eat and sleep more and feel lazy to take physical activities.

In order to curb the obesity epidemic, it is important that people have healthy eating patterns that contain less fat and sugar. Instead of eating too much junk food, they can try to spend more time cooking healthy food at home and try to consume less meat and more vegetables. Furthermore, they should exercise on a daily basis as well. By this way, people not only reduce the risk of getting obese but also prevent many other dangerous diseases like diabetes and heart disease.

In conclusion, there are two main reasons for the rising rate of obesity in many western countries, which are the lack of healthy food and physical exercises. However, this issue could be tackled by making appropriate changes to our lifestyle and eating habits.

@David Please refer below comments.

In Introduction, try to use more complex sentence and the sentence like "There are several causes of this problem, but there are also solutions" is simple rephrasing question, and doesn't provide any new information. Instead of that you can write like "There are several causes of this problem, and one of them is people having a poor diet. If people can consume healthier meals and do regular exercise, then it solves health issue"

Also, try to elaborate solution for lack of exercise, like "if a workplace provides fitness center facility, or if Government creates awareness among people about physical fitness, then people gets more motivated to do workouts. In many cities, Government organizes fundraising events like Biking, Half Marathons, and it benefits to gathering fund, as well as people, get encouraged to do physical activities. "

Furthermore, if you can improve the structure of the essay, then it helps the reader. For example, you can do follow -> Para 1 - Intro, Para 2 - Problems, Para 3 - Solution, Para 4- Conclusion.

Overall the essay has the minimum to none grammar and spelling mistakes, and to the point.

If you can provide feedback on my essay, that would be great.
May 18, 2018   #3
David, the main problem with your essay is that you began the discussion of the given topic in the opening paragraph instead of on the second paragraph. The first paragraph must always remain vague about the upcoming discussion as that is how the paraphrase requirement is best presented. Direct discussions may only be done in the first paragraph in the direct question essay of the Task 2 test. Unless you have a direct question essay, avoid beginning the discussion in the first paragraph because that paragraph is meant to test your ability to restate information in the English language.

When you discuss the body of paragraphs. Do not use a counting system of indicating your thoughts. This shows a weak sentence development ability because, rather than using transition sentences and topic sentences to showcase your English writing abilities, you are relying on an outline format for the discussion, which limits your ability to prove that you have the vocabulary and grammar skills to academically express yourself in English.

Avoid presenting long sentences. Do not use run-on sentences because there is a 3 sentence minimum requirement for each paragraph. By using run on sentences, you will automatically lower your GRA score as you do not properly show the examiner that you are able to write a mix of simple and complex sentences in each paragraph.

Basically, the reasoning in your essay is sound, but the execution is faulty. Unfortunately, your scores will be diminished by the formatting and sentence development mistakes. So you may not get an impressive score for this essay in the actual setting.

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