Children should achieve anything- IELTS writing task-2 essay

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough.

What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?
To assure the kids that they are able to attain anything through hard work is an idea to spread in some cultures. As it has both merits and demerits, I will try to support both views with supporting ideas.

Starting with the benefits, the mentioned belief can be a reason for mental strength in childrens' minds. When they get an assurance of success after investing their best, they learn to deal with failures positively. For instance, A.P.J Abul Kalam was born in a poor family. He could not think of being a president for the surroundings he has. Believing that hard work does pay off, he could fulfill his dream. Instead, if a kid is always impulsed by telling that trying enough does not work, he might lose interest in life, and this can lead to depression.

However, strong belief, sometimes, tends to make some students desperate, ultimately leading to the regret of wasting their time in the wrong work. By way of illustration, if one has an inborn talent for music, it is not wise for him to try heart and soul for becoming the best businessman throughout his life, for his surroundings say so. Rather, he is able to be a way better musician with the same effort. Kids should be disadvantaged if they are not told to recognize their own areas of interest and talent before trying hard enough.

To conclude, telling "the hard work" as the only way to succeed can lead a child to invest his time in the wrong work. On the other hand, telling it should help the child to be stronger.

For the first paragraph, I prefer to use: However, this message has benefit and demerit to the children grow that will be elaborated in this essay, in the first paragraph.

For the second paragraph:
'children' is plural so it should be '... mental strength in children's minds'.
'... a president for the surroundings he has.' Since it described past, you should consistently use the past tense. So, it would be '... the surroundings he had.'

Typo of 'fulfill', you should write 'fulfil'.

Overall, in my opinion, you've explained your idea clearly. However, I don't think that you describe the disadvantage of hard work message in the third paragraph. It tends to be about how if the children only focus on hard-working without considering other aspects. Maybe, you could explain about the successful ambition or obsession as the impact of hard-working.

Good luck for your IELTS Exam!

You are still using the original reference words in your restatement. There must not be any trace of the original keywords and prompts in your newly developed paragraph. Using synonyms, you should have changed most words and phrases from the original such as:

- in some cultures ( cut and paste from the original)

When using local heroes for your examples, always remember to indicate who he is. What were his accomplishments? What made him admirable? Remember that the examiner will not be familiar with these people in most instances so the relevance of this reference point as an advantage would not be clear to the examiner. You only explained his surroundings, but you did not explain the cultural relevance of this point. How did culture play a role in his success? Who told him he can succeed if he tries hard enough? The most important discussion aspect is the cultural reference and it was lost in your discussion.