IELTS TASK 2: children are becoming overweight and unhealthy, who is responsible for this?

responsibility of dealing with children's weight and health

Task 2: In some countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that it is the responsibility of governments to solve the problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Many people argue that the national authorities might be responsible for dealing with children's obesity issues. I completely disagree with this view.

There are three main reasons why it is not responsibility of governments to cope with these problem mentioned above. Firstly, the federal budget should be spent on things such as state pensions, debt interest and public services (education, health care, military, public transport and so on). Thus, it would be an unnecessary burden on governments in terms of solving obesity among children, especially when countries have a budget deficit. Secondly, they might raise taxes, but it would be difficult to calculate the correct amount of tax increase for those families which have children with overweight and unhealthy. Finally, if political leaders pay public finance for this issue, it might be not equal in society because this case rarely happens in poor families.

On the other hand, I believe that the main reason why children suffer from weight problems lies on how their parents take care of them. Parents nowadays spend less time on their children than before. They provide technology equipments such as smart phone, laptop for their children whenever they are busy or they do not have time to look after them. For instance, in Vietnam several mothers allow their children to use smart phone whole day, so they can do a host of household chores since they do both alone. In addition, the lack of doing exercise is also the reason. As I mentioned above, children tend to exposure to technology gadgets rather than play sports such as soccer, badminton, swimming and so on. So I think that parents should encourage their children to play lots of sports to lose weight.

In conclusion, it seems to me that parents have responsibility of dealing with their children's weight and health, and I also do not believe that governments have to do anything for this issue.

"So" is not a transition. Instead, you can use "therefore, as a consequence,..". "so" is only used after a comma

There are grammar issues with your essay. "These" is the plural form of "this". Therefore, you cannot say "these problem". You have to say "these problems". The error is what is known as a noun phrase disagreement and must be corrected to get a good GRA score. Remember to use a comma after a conjunction (busy, or). By the way, there the plural form of "equipment" is still "equipment". That is because this word is not a mass noun.

The prompt paraphrase and conclusion needs to have 3 sentences to be considered a paragraph. Although you did properly respond to the discussion question in the paraphrase and conclusion, the improper formatting of the topic and reason for discussion caused you to be short on sentences. You merged the two topics, which should have been in separate sentences for C&C purposes. Good job with the prompt rephrasing though. It was somewhat of a good job.

Never use a parenthesis in an academic essay. Use only 2 topics at the most in one paragraph which are connected using a transition sentence. Use no more than 5 sentences per paragraph for clarity sake. You cannot just present reasons, you need to properly support the reasons as well, within the same paragraph. You can actually discuss up to 4 connected reasons within 2 paragraph. 2 topics supported by an example and explanation, with a transition sentence connecting the two ideas in the paragraph would be the way to discuss it.