IELTS-Do children behave better when they are rewarded or punished? Discuss both view

QUESTION:
Do children behave better when they are rewarded or punished? Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

ANSWER:
Children are given remuneration for their excellent work and penalty for their bad activity by the parent. Compensation and penalizing makes children in a better way of life. In this essay, I will explain the both views in detail.

Children are motivated by prizes given in both school and at home. Some children do extra-ordinary work hard in their studies to get their favorite wish to satisfy by their parents. For example, In India kids demand their parents to go for them park for holiday if they receive first grade in their examination. Moreover, complimenting children for their excellence boosts their self-esteem and better individuals in the future. Nevertheless, children are over pampered by their rewards and it affects their studies. They become greedy demanding for expensive items to compensate their excellence.

On the other hand punishment for children is better way to bring them in correct path. Children refrain doing bad activity in fear of receiving punishment again. There are some disadvantages of punishment result in psychological problem like lower self-esteem, cheating their parents and telling lies. Some children run away from home due to parent's merciless beating without any explanation. For instance, Report says that missing children in all over the world are increasing due to the parent's harsh treatment. Punishment makes children life-long resentment or hatred in their lives. Some children become prey for their parents stress buster.

In a nutshell, I feel that children should be given affection, appreciation, acceptability and availability of parents make children better way than giving strict punishment which influence their life. By love and caring parents can correct their children mistake.

remuneration is generally linked with payment (salary/ wages etc.) ... Here the best key word is "rewarding"
Children are rewarded for their good behavior and punished for behaving bad. .... It's nice to start with a tone that is interesting and simple. :)


Compensation and penalizing are two things, so it's plural


...the most important idea is that prizes motivate children... the rest sounds irrelevant

For example, in India kids demand their parents to take them to the park if they receive a good grade on an examination.
i think this is more of what you are trying to say


I'm not sure if you are saying this in a positive or a negative way, I would take this a good thing. Complimenting a child isn't "bribing" them or "giving" them anything but like you said it boosts their self esteem and makes them feel better about themselves so instead of using moreover, unless you are trying to make it seem negative, i would say :

Nonetheless, complimenting children for their excellence boosts their self-esteem and betters individuals for the future

I think you have an interesting idea and the structure is well organized but with mistakes. I think you should put more effort to edify your sentence


It is little confusing. Some chidren do extraordinary work hard in their studies so their parents can satisfy their favorite wish?
I think if you simplify the sentence it would be better. I know you want make the sentence sophiscated. But at first, make the meaning clear and then use some academic words.


As samnemeth said, this sentence is confusing too. Do you want to be positive or negative?