Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5

Children face up unhealthy lifestyle - youngers tend to do severe modus vivendi


irfan727 49 / 68 29  
Sep 13, 2015   #1
Question :
Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problems.
To what extent do you agree with this statement ?
Give reason for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.


At present, youngers tend to do severe modus vivendi which it is a must from guardians and college institutions for finding solutions for this issue. Although both of them have an obligation to protect their children. I strongly believe that environment is the main factors influence, so the older have to practice better habit to them.

The main cause of this problem is a poor habit like littering rubbish everywhere, children do not brush the teeth, and they do not wash hands with soap. For example, youngsters know there is a bin front of their class, yet they prefer to litter inside one or they are lazy to clean their teeth before sleeping and their hands before eating. Furthermore, they will have a bad attitude if they do that. As parents, they must confer an excellent behaviour to theirs.

As an education institute, it has to provide hygiene canteens which the food uncontain additive substance than can be dangerous for students. But they prefer to choose unhealthy food than natural ones, they tend to gain illness if eat that. For instance, these days there are many peddlers hawking outside the school area which sell many kinds of instant foodstuff which pupil do not know where they process their products. In result, schoolchild eats unknown content of meal which can affect stomachache and feel dizzy after consuming it. Actually, this can be solved with side of schools suggest the peddlers to sell up nutrition diet.

In conclusion, it must be there is a responsibility from all aspects particularly from parents as the prime someone's responsible and that is supported by better circumstance in school. I also believe if schoolchildren will obtain nourishment, they will be more healthy and focus on their study.

Aubreythefruit 5 / 8 4  
Sep 13, 2015   #2
I will help with your essay.

"to do severe modus vivendi which it is a must from guardians and college institutions for finding solutions for this issue. " I would consider rewording this sentence. It is a little confusing.

"Although both of them have an obligation to protect their children. I strongly believe that environment is the main factors influence, so the older have to practice better habit to them." The first period should be changed to a comma. The noun following this comma should be whatever you are addressing has an obligation to protect their children. I would reword the statement you have following your comma. Perhaps this could read, "I believe that although guardians and colleges have obligations to protect their children, the environment is the most influential factor. In order to be a have healthy children, their environment should be modeled for them."

"The main cause of this problem is a poor habit like littering rubbish everywhere, children do not brush the teeth, and they do not wash hands with soap." Keep all your verbs, "poor habit like littering rubbish everywhere, children do not brush the teeth, and they do not wash hands with soap." in the same verb tense. For example, you use "littering, do not brush, and do not wash." Instead use, "litter, do not brush, and do not wash" OR "littering, not brushing, and not washing"

You have multiple habits listed. Therefore, say instead, "the main causes of this problem are poor habits such as..."

" For example, youngsters know there is a bin front of their class, yet they prefer to litter inside one or they are lazy to clean their teeth before sleeping and their hands before eating." You are restating the previous sentence in greater detail. Either delete this sentence, or replace your descriptions in the previous sentence with these.

"Furthermore, they will have a bad attitude if they do that." Do what? You listed three different bad habits in the last sentence, and the reader doesn't know what they do to have a bad attitude. I would replace "if they do that" with a more specific phrase, such as, "if they keep these bad habits." or something along those lines.

"As an education institute, it has to provide hygiene canteens which the food uncontain additive substance than can be dangerous for students." Again, "it" is nonspecific. Do you mean college? High school? Replace the word "it" with whatever "it" is referencing.

"uncontain" is not the word you are trying to use. Perhaps you mean, "contain"

"In result, schoolchild eats unknown content of meal which can affect stomachache and feel dizzy after consuming it. Actually, this can be solved with side of schools suggest the peddlers to sell up nutrition diet." In result is a strange phrase. Instead, try, "as a result,"

"schoolchild" is singular. You mean, "schoolchildren eat meals with unknown content that can give them stomachaches and dizziness."
I do not understand the last sentence. You may want to consider rewording it.

"In conclusion, it must be there is a responsibility from all aspects particularly from parents as the prime someone's responsible and that is supported by better circumstance in school. " the words, "there is a responsibility from all aspects particularly from parents" should simply be "the parents' responsibility"I would consider rewording this sentence to say, "though this is the parents' responsibility, the school should be involved in giving children proper health."
szhang25 15 / 21 8  
Sep 14, 2015   #3
- Your introduction is very holistic in its content. However, it may help to add one or two sentences connecting and substantiating that content to make your introduction more robust.

- Your main cause described in the first paragraph and the main cause described in the second paragraph have slight idea discrepancies, which may be confusing. Try to relate them to each other a little more, or try to demonstrate their relationship in a stronger sense.

- The examples are really supportive of your topics! Keep it up.
- When you add "I also believe..." in your last paragraph, it seems to undo the closure that your first concluding sentence provides. Try to avoid adding other ideas in the conclusion of your essay.
Bayuwibowo 48 / 73 21  
Sep 14, 2015   #4
In conclusion, it must be there is a responsibility from all aspects particularly from parents as the prime someone's responsible and that is supported by better circumstance in school. I also believe if schoolchildren will obtain nourishment, they will be more healthy and focus on their study.

It will be better if in conclusion adding your suggestion. "where possible" ...
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
Sep 22, 2015   #5
At present, youngers tend to do severe modus [...] practice better habit to them.

Here is my edits. Please consider some changes;
Children today are not as healthy as in the past. As it can be seen, many children around the world live under unhealthy lifestyles. It is argued that parents and school should take preventive ways to solve this issue. Yet, I would claim that government should also offer more health services so as to help protect children from poor lifestyles.


Home / Writing Feedback / Children face up unhealthy lifestyle - youngers tend to do severe modus vivendi