TOEFL ESSAY: Children should have fun playing but rivarly also benefits them.

I'm looking forward for your comments and advice about the logic,structure, grammar, vocabulary etc. Thanks a lot. :)

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Children should play sports only for fun, so they should not attend competitions.

Doing sports, as an indispensable part of many children's life, brings about dozens of benefits, ranging from helping kids keep fit to relieving stress both mentally and physically. However, as for the objective of playing sports, divergent voices appear on this topic. Some advocate entertainment is the only goal while others encourage children to engage in some competitions. Personally, I vote for the latter and I hold that children should not only play sports for fun but also should attend competitions.

At first, a point should be made clear here that there is no conflict between FUN and competition because competition is not equal to fierce fight for victory; children can get fun from attending competitions as well. Playing sports just for fun does benefit children a lot since they can totally relax in a no-pressure atmosphere. However, participating in competitions does not eliminate the fun children will have as long as they do not attach too much importance to the result of a game. Take me for example. I was a member of the school volleyball team when I was a freshman. Once we had a volleyball competition with another school. Though we had prepared for this competition for over 2 months and every one of us tried our best on the court, unfortunately we lost the game. Upset and sad as we were at first, later we realized that we had gained a lot of fun from it: we spent lots of time with our teammates; we had trained very hard but we were happy everyone was making progress.

Apart from just fun, attending competitions benefits children in other aspects. Competition involves rules, failure and success, but it does not mean children cannot enjoy the competition. Though training can be laborious and tedious sometimes, children harvest perseverance; no one can predict the result of a game, but the moment when everyone is fighting together for one goal on the court teaches children what is cooperation and teamwork; sometimes children may lose the game, but what they have sacrificed and gained from the competition can be the most precious gift ever received in their life.

In conclusion, children have fun playing sports but they can benefit more from involving in competitions, not only fun but other things more valuable.

Participating in sports, as an indispensable part of the lives of many children, brings about dozens of benefits, ranging from helping kids keep fit in to relieving stress both mentally and physically.

... to engage in some competitionsfor personal growth.
... should not only play sports for fun but should also actively participate in competitions.

... there is no conflict between FUN and competition because competition is not equivalent to a fierce brawl for victory; children can get fun ...
Playing sports just for fun does benefit children a lot since they can relax in a no-pressure environment.
... eliminate the fun children will have,as long as they ...

... we had trained very hard andwe were happy everyone was making progress.

Jin, there is one point for discussion that you failed to consider while you were developing this essay. There is a school of thought these days that children should play sports for fun and competition because the better they are at a given game, the more chances they have for a college scholarship, or to earn more money as a professional athlete. Such considerations automatically negate the fun, competitive aspect of playing sports.

As such, your discussion about how competition is all about having fun does not qualify. In addition, the mere fact that the child is involved in a sport automatically places pressure on him to win. Victory is the aim of any sport, be it a team or individualized sport. Therefore, to say that there is no pressure when a child plays is inconsistent. There is always pressure, even in a fun atmosphere because the competition, albeit friendly, still exists. Therefore, the pressure for children to perform well takes their attention away from having fun. After all, the fun, in the friendly competition still comes from beating the other team or participants :-)

With regards to your structure and grammar, while there are some problems that exist, these are not so major that you would need to revise the whole essay. You managed to get your point across clearly and, the mere fact that you even used your own experience as an example is sure to get you a better grade than you expect. These TOEFL essays often give a high consideration for personal examples as it further proves your English comprehension skills :-)