Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 6

'children in Gaza' - Pre-Toefl - Childhood is not always a happiest time of people's life


Sarah Gharavi 1 / 2  
Jul 29, 2014   #1
Everyone has their own childhood with the tone of remembrance to look back when they face adversity in their life .
Regardless of freedom,innocent soul ,heart felt affection in childhood ;many children don't have any safety in their life even though not having essential needs such as food ,education even having family thus how those children could feel happiness in these disasters .

For example ,many innocent children are been killed in Gaza without any fault or being the witness of their family death ,how it's possible to be happy in this situation !,In addition those poor children in the Africa who doesn't have anything just for eat ,wear even family to feel the sense of their parents protection ,although children in their early ages don't concern with any responsibility but if they were under extreme pressure of adversity ,they would be forced to involved in their older members albeit innocent and too young.

In conclusion ,we couldn't generalize the happiest time of any people thus ,it all around depends on their life's consequences,events or memories.

OP Sarah Gharavi 1 / 2  
Jul 29, 2014   #2
In addition your essential feedback would be appreciate,and I thing this essay it's less than 250words that I suppose to do but I face lack of words in my mind ,

:D
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jul 29, 2014   #3
Is this work supposed to be an essay? I'm not familiar with TOEFL test, but if you want to write an essay you need to follow the structure I've written below (please let me know what your work is exactly about, if I am wrong):

1. Introduction [motivator+thesis+your own opinion+blueprint]
2. body paragraph [topic sentence + supporting statement+ concluding statement (optional)]
3. body paragraph
4. conclusion [reword thesis and then add a clincher]

hope this helps,
Regards,
Ahmad
OP Sarah Gharavi 1 / 2  
Jul 30, 2014   #4
thank you so much for your comment .actually we are in pre-toefl class and we 're just supposed to write one 250 words paragraph to support our topic .and your structure is really new for me so I think ,I should follow this structure on academic writings

and could you help me to understand more this structure with introducing some website for me ?!
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jul 30, 2014   #5
I strongly recommend you to read the book "The Practical Writer with Readings". This book starts with paragraph writing and finally guides you how to write a 5 paragraph essay. Very interesting and helpful book. You can find download links if simply google the title of the book. OR the easier way is that to provide me with an email address to send the book to you. Cheers,

Ahmad
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Jul 31, 2014   #6
Yes, I quite agree with Ahmad :) What he has suggested is the most appropriate approach because it helps you earn marks and manage time for the task well.

You show good writing skills, but for TOEFL tasks you need to be more conversant with the approaches you should follow at the exam. Otherwise you would have a problem with scoring. Make sure you have the parts of Intro, Body paras and Conclusion in your essay and in the body paras you defend your opinion by giving reasons and supporting them with examples.


Home / Writing Feedback / 'children in Gaza' - Pre-Toefl - Childhood is not always a happiest time of people's life