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Children pressures related to getting a high score in school, bullying, and expensive gadgets



mardian24 46 / 60  
Nov 28, 2016   #1
Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

In recent years, there are several pressures which come to children's life that contains from academic, social, and commercial sides. However, various causes which make those things happen and many solutions can decrease these problems. This essay will first discuss about getting high score, bullying, and buying new expensive gadget and then talk about changing point of view, choosing good friends, and focusing on studying which is the steps that children must do.

To begin with, children's problem appear owing to many reasons. First of all, teens have to get high score in school which make them stress for being the best at all. This is a general problem in academic which the worst thing can make children get bad score while they cannot survive to fight the problem. Furthermore for special aspects, bullying will give bad impact and it can disturb children's future life. It is totally dangerous and needs to fix as soon as possible. Lastly, having expensive phone is a dream for children. They want to follow the era and always keep updating with gadget. According to the research which was done by UNICEF in 2012, children are the most significant condition in life, so whatever the problems need to anticipate immediately.

On the other hand, there are many actions while can help children from this problem. Firstly, children have to change their purpose for studying. It is not about getting high score, but to acquire deep understanding. It is work if they do it seriously. Secondly, selecting good friends will avoid children from bad effect which can appear from their friends in school. Last but not least, children should focus on their main purpose. It is about studying and they do not need to get all new gadget. Refference to books by Andrew Smith, he said that every problem have their solutions and it is depend on how we act to solve the problem. It is true that reducing problem can be done if there is a will.

To sum up, the causes of problems in children's life have the solutions as well. At least, if the problems cannot be solved, it can be reduced to minimize the negative effects which can grow bigger and hard to fix again.

Beauty17 56 / 79  
Nov 28, 2016   #2
... changing point of view, choosing good friends, andfocusing on studying which is the steps that ...
Subject verb agreement ->> choosing... and focusing... which are the steps..

Overall your introduction was good. You were able to explain your point of view in your introduction clearly and briefly.. and the most important you can achieve your task achievement..


Good luck !
ReskiRamadani88 43 / 56  
Nov 28, 2016   #3
Hello mardian:

The topic discussion is somewhat progressive and connected within the paragraphs, the lack of transition paragraphs to connect the two unrelated essay topic discussions held back the effectiveness of your discussion, you have to focus on how to develop the idea coherently.

your presents some main ideas but these are limited and not sufficiently developed, there may be irrelevant detail, address all parts of the task although some parts more fully covered than other.


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