Children spend too much time on computers; IELTS

Task2 :
More and more families have computers in their homes, and children spend a great deal of their time using their home computers.
Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this situation and give you own opinions.?

Nowadays, South Koreans' most families have their home computers, thereby many children affect by it from very young age. The children could use it as a toy, listening a song and drawing pictures instead of on a paper that it has increasingly changed for the last a decade. In the past, a lot of children used to play outside with their friends, but today, they prefer to spend their free time at home and be alone with the computers. Whether the computer has fundamentally beneficial influence on them, or it has detrimental effect, many people believe that computer is an essential item which they must have.

First of all, the computer may be not only electric equipment, especially, the internet introduced to us many years ago. The children are not necessary to get help from their parents while they are doing home works, because they could find informations of school works anytime on the internet with the computers. It is more convenience and does not need time consuming to go to the library

Even though, the computer are using in a positive way, some people insist that the computers have negative side for the children. Almost half of the children who have used the computer, they show that have addicted to playing computer's games and watching programs on the internet. When their parents are tried to stop them, they may show such an anger toward their parents and do not want to change their habbits. In addition, they easily connected to web-sites which is only for adults, it could seriously damage their brains and childhoods.

In conclusion, it seems that using computer is necessary in many ways, but disadvantage is stronger than advantage. I strongly recommend that the parents should not allow the children to spend time with the computers alone and make some strict rules of using it.

some suggestion

many children's affect by it from very young age.

internet with the help o f computers

I am not accustomed with IELTS writing style; however, I try to give the comment from what I know
Firstly, IELTS is a global examination, you should not only say "South Koreans' " if there is no particular thing related on only SK.

Secondly, I have a feeling that you often try to translate word by word from your native language (Korean?) to English ( sorry if I was wrong ^ ^ ). That make some of your sentences have very strange structure. Try to avoid this habit ( if you really have) :)

As far as I know, in term of grammar, Korean is far different from English (although my Korean is quite bad, almost 2 years living in SK brougth me a few words +_+).

Comeback to your essay:
- In general, we should change the struture of yours, you're having a somewhat big head (the opening paragraph) and a small first part of your body. Change it.

- In particular, some simple mistakes on your language usage, grammar... such as:
South Koreans' most families have their home computers -- > Most SK families have their PC/ own computers etc.
Even though, the computer are using in a positive way ---> Eventhough, the computers are now being used in a positive way
When their parents are tried to stop them --> When their parents try to stop them.
and some more passive voice sentences. ^^

I'm also interested in IELTS. coz I will do it this year but I do not have much time to practise +_+

Children use is as a tool of listening to music or drawing pictures, instead of listening to a radio or drawing on a piece of paper. So obvious has it changed our life especially during rencent decade that we cannot neglect its existence as well as the extensive influence it brings to us.

Thank you so much.
This is such a big help for me.

Nowadays, most South Korean families have their home computers, and therefore many children are affected by it from very young age. The children ...

First of all, the computer may be not only is more than just a piece of electric equipment; the Internet was introduced to us many years ago.

The children are not necessary do not need to get help from their parents while they are doing homework, because they could can find information of school works any time on the internet Internet with the computer. It is more convenience convenient and not as time consuming as going to the library.

Even though Even though these benefits are significant and the computers are being used in a positive way, some people insist that the computers have a negative consequence for the children.