IELTS- Task 2: Children should be taught musical instrument

Hi, I'm aiming to get a 7+ band in IELTS. Please help me to check my essay. Much appreciate!

Some educationalists say that every child should be taught how to play a musical instrument.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Total words: 283
Since musical instruments such as piano, trumpet and violin... have been demonstrated to have numerous merits for humane, many specialists in education claim that it is essential for children to learn to play an instrument. From my perspective, I am in definite support of this contention.

To begin with, teaching children how to play an instrument has some certain disadvantages. First, it can be time-consuming if children don't like the instrument that they learn. Without patient and passion, a child can easily drop out of the process when being an amateur. Second, it costs parents a great deal of money if they want their children can play a musical instrument smoothly. Since learning to play an instrument is a long term investment, the expense is absolutely not small at all.

However, despite some minor downsides, I believe that learning how to play an instrument owns many more benefits in comparison. The most obvious one is that it helps children gain more confidence towards their friends. If a child is not good at studying, then knowing how to play an instrument can make her or him have aspect to proud of. Therefore, having the ability to play an instrument is a great tool for children to be self-confident.

In addition, playing an instrument is proved to have positive mental effects on individuals. Not only does it increase ones' intelligence, but it also prevents handful of mental illnesses such as sleeplessness, stress,... These are really necessary for each person in this innovative era.

In conclusion, although teaching children how to play a musical instrument has some risks, I have a great belief that every child should be given opportunity to learn an instrument as its merits outweigh all downsides.

Hi! You have mistakes in spelling, such as humane (must be human) in first sentence. Also better to write to learn to play a musical instrument. From my perspective, I fully support this statement. I think it will be better. Also better to write how to play a musical instrument, rather than just an instrument

- Based on what reasons? List 2 reasons that you plan to discuss in the 2 reasoning paragraphs that will strongly support and convince the reader that your opinion is correct. The idea, is to add clarity to your opinion for a better TA score based upon how well you understood the question and discussion instructions. Others claim it is better not to offer an outline of discussion points. However, my students have always found it useful to enumerate the discussion points for their reference while writing. That way the essay stays on point and does not deviate from the reasoning and response format.

You cannot use 2 punctuation marks simultaneously. That will cost you GRA deductions. Use a comma or use the ellipse. Never use both one after another. That shows a lack of English punctuation usage knowledge on your part. Additionally, you will notice that this is not a dual public point of view + personal opinion essay. Therefore, the presentation is complete within 4 paragraphs. You only need 2 reasoning paragraphs for single opinion discussion essays. It only becomes 3 reasoning paragraphs when indicated in the original discussion instructions. Use the default 2 reasoning paragraphs unless instructed to do otherwise.

Your conclusion is a run on sentence. You need at least 2 sentences or 40 words to complete this presentation. 3-5 sentences gets you maximum scoring potential. Summarize the discussion. Do not continue the discussion in that paragraph like you did here. That creates an open ended rather than concluded essay.