Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5

Children have trend to be significantly more violent and careless in their study and social life


Pink1 2 / 3  
May 14, 2010   #1
Hi everyone, this is the first essay for me here. Hopefully, you will revise it and give me an approximate band score.

Schools nowadays have severe problems with student behavior
discuss the causes and suggest solutions.


It is quite common these days to note that children in schools especially those in primary stage have trend to be significantly more violent and careless in their study and social life.from my perspective, I believe that modern radical change in technology might help to cause considerably large defect in student behavior.

Firstly, it is obvious that aquiculture and home rules that have to adopt by parents is the main factor in causing a tremendous change in new generation behavior. Although, nowadays the life of family suffers from hurry sickness as well as there is no enough time to spent on children, but partners should be supposed some important rules that substantially cover most critical issues of child's life.

Actually, because of very long and almost useless leisure time that is given to children, the behavior might be dramatically affected and the result has negative effect on child culture .Recently, parents often prefer to give children very long free time for playing outside home and spend daytime with another children that might result in learning new harmful habits.

Basically, new technologies has very significant reason in developing violence among students. Televsion , net surfing and modern aggressive electronic games cause huge change in children and teenagers thoughts as well as the way of their dealing with adult people .Nowadays, Most of children are largely affected by what they have seen and heard from movies scenes especially that of combat, sex and horror.

Lastly, there are many solutions have to take in consideration to prevent growth of these severe and quite dangerous problems of bad behavior .First of all is the parent's attention that should be cleared and continued from childhood until adulthood .Moreover, school has further crucial chore in bringing up children and learning them essential social rules in special subject.
greentea93 7 / 31  
May 15, 2010   #2
....especially those in primary stage tend to be more violent and careless in their study and social life.F rom my perspective, I believe that modern radical change in technology might help to cause considerably large defect in student behavior.

Firstly, it is obvious that aquiculture and home rules adopted by parents is the main factor causing a tremendous change in new generation behavior.

new technologies has very significant role in developing violence among students.

....as well as their way of dealing with adult people
Nowadays, Most children are largely affected by what they have seen and heard from movies scenes especially that of combat, sex and horror.
meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
May 15, 2010   #3
hi Pink!
(name reminds me of Manhattan Love Story. haha x)

It is quite common these days to note that children in schools<comma> especially those in primary stage<comma> have <a> trend <of being?> significantly more violent and careless in their study and social life <than they have been before>. (You could rephrase this and use less words, just a thought) From* my perspective, (could take the interjection out<< your beliefs are from your perspective, yes?) I believe that modern<comma> radical change in technology might help to cause considerably large defect in student behavior.

I believe that radical modern changes (is this what you mean?) in technology are considerably responsible for these large defects in student behavior.

First*, it is obvious that aquiculture (what do you mean? typo?) and home rules that parents have adopted* is the main factor in causing a tremendous change in the* new generation behavior. Although, nowadays the lives* of families* suffer* from hurry sickness (I'm not sure how to say it in English, but I get the idea. Place apostrophes 'hurrying sickness' around them shows that this is a special word. However, tell more of what it means.) as well as from the lack of time* spent on children.* However,* partners should be supposed (what do you mean?) some important rules that substantially cover most critical issues of child's life.

discuss the causes and suggest solutions.

<I can see the causes in your paper, but what solutions did you suggest? schools?

I guess I'll focus on just main ideas for editing:
try to keep the form consistent, using transition words like although and however correctly, keeping comparisons between comparable things, making sure to conjugate words so that verbs match subjects/objects, etc

Another thing, try to lay out the ideas in your primary language and them write them down. This will help you think of more things to write and make a better point. This will also allow you to organize the paper better.

just keep writing, you'll get the hang of it.
OP Pink1 2 / 3  
May 15, 2010   #4
thanx friends for your great efforts with me..i've got all what you said.Hopefully, i will be better .
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
May 16, 2010   #5
Hi! Here is a little feedback I'll add to the great advice that has been given...

It is quite common these days to note that children in schools, especially those in primary stages, have tended to be significantly more violent and careless in their study and social life. From my...

I capitalized From because of the new sentence, an important rule, but the more interesting correction involves commas.

Look at that sentence I wrote above, an example of the kind of sentence I am talking about, and notice that the "extra" phrase is separated by commas.

Whenever you want to throw in an extra phrase, one that the sentence would still be complete without, use commas to separate it.

:-)


Home / Writing Feedback / Children have trend to be significantly more violent and careless in their study and social life