The relationship between pay and job satisfaction
Some people say that our priority when deciding on a career must be the salary. Personally, I disagree with this idea because I believe there are other equally important factors that we should also take into consideration.
On the other hand, it is true that money is necessary to people as it helps them meet their basic needs. For example, everyone needs money to buy food, clothes and other facilities that make it possible for them to live comfortably. As a result, people having higher incomes are likely to easily satisfy their needs and be able to improve their standard of life higher than those with lower incomes. Moreover, it is clear that people choosing jobs depending solely on their interest do not always live a pleasant life if they are lack of money. For instance, not all singers or artists can live a luxurious life, in contrast, many of them have difficulty affording basic necessities. Therefore, it would be completely wrong to bypass the importance of salary when choosing a job.
On the one hand, aside from money, there are other equally important elements that we should take into account. Firstly, I suggest we choose a career that suits our personalities, skills, and hobbies. The reason for this is that when we are passionate about our work, we tend to perform more productively and whole-heartedly, thus, leads to excellent results. Secondly, it is appreciable when our occupations can bring values to the community. If our work can serve greater purposes like making a positive difference in the world or contributing to our country's development, it is of invaluable meaning. When our job can meet these two factors, balancing work- life will be no longer an insurmountable issue.
In conclusion, although salary plays a huge part in the job selection process, it is by no means the most significant element because of other equally requisite factors.
P/S: I would appreciate any of your corrections on my essay. Thank you so much.
Your manner of writing is good. A lot of readers would appreciate how straightforward you are when it comes to approaching your argument. However, there are a couple of things I'd suggest.
In your first paragraph, when you mention that there are other equally important factors, it would be better for you to introduce them already. If not, I suggest switching the second and third paragraph to create a better structure for your essay. If you were to move forward with this, I suggest altering the first sentence of the second (previously third) paragraph to make transition smoother.
For instance, you can say:
Aside from the monetary side, there are other elements such as suitability of career and alignment of values that both have to be considered when choosing a career.
It would also be desirable if you revised the second sentence of your first paragraph into something like:
Personally, I disagree with the idea because money is not the sole determinant of how fulfilling a career can be for an individual.
If you did both revisions, it can make the flow of your essay more organic. Furthermore, I suggest extending your concluding remarks because the one that you currently have leaves the readers hanging. Why is it important to consider these factors on a personal level? Is this a more sustainable approach for people who are seeking long-term commitments in their career?
Also, please review your essay once more. I have noticed that some portions have technical or grammatical-related (punctuation as well) issues. Watch out for run-on sentences.
Take your second paragraph as an example; we could revise one of the lines at the end as:
For instance, while singers or artists often have luxurious lives, there are a couple of cases wherein they can barely afford basic necessities.
Just remember the three things I mentioned: restructure your essay to be more organic, ensure that you have your grammar is as professional as can be, and don't leave hanging remarks for readers by creating short paragraphs like your conclusion.