I closed my eyes and started the chanting!; The moment of the Lords.

i want this writing to be properly corrected. if there are grammar or other mistakes please be kind enough to show them...

thank you...

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I closed my eyes and started the chanting. They appeared on the left of my side. Bald headed and simple dressed though they were, their mere presence had a pleasant, powerful aura about them.

"We have been observing, you are loosing the sense of your path". Their deep, clam voices rushed through my vains, blood and peaceful mind.

"It is hard to keep up, my Lords", said I.

"You are a qualified person to be amongst us, Why give up now?"

"I have started forgetting, my Lords". I answered with a feeling of sadness and understanding. I wanted to talk to them, stay with them and, have this conversation for a long time, forever.

"That is your challenge in the everlasting circle of life, trying to remember and never letting go. It is hard, indeed, as we have seen and went through our own destined challenges, we know. But that is the only way. You have come this far, Why the hesitation now? Do not forget ... Remember ..." Their voices faded away with the last few words. Still, the memory of their images remained.

"Yes, my Lords ..." I sounded vigilant, determined yet calm.

They had a message for me, an omen to find my destiny. The very feeling of their existence gave me the strength to look beyond the obvious.

I opened my eyes. The path has changed it's way though life still sings the old song. I smiled at my own thoughts. Time to let go and continue the journey of my destiny, toward the horizon...

What is this essay for?
It's quite imaginary...and I didn't get the main idea after reading for the first time.
Actually your language is really beautiful! But do you want to convey that your struggle in mind to continue or go on doing sth.? A conversation with yourself?

If this is for undergraduate admission essay, you can put the prompt in before the essay. ^^

I closed my eyes and started the chanting. They appeared on [my] left of my side. Bald headed and simple dressed though they were, their mere presence had a pleasant, powerful aura. about them

"We have been observing, you are loo sing the sense of your path." Their deep, clam calm voices rushed [passed] through [the blood in] my va [e]ins, blood and [my] peaceful mind.

Rajiv did a good job.

Bald headed and simple dressed though they were , their mere presence had a pleasant, powerful aura about them .

"You are a qualified person to be amongst us. Why give up now?''

"I have started forgetting, my Lords". I answered with a feeling of sadness and understanding.My answer had a mixture of sadness and understanding. I wanted to talk to them, stay with them and, have this conversation fora long time, forever.

"That is your challenge in the everlasting circle of life, trying to remember and never letting go. It is hard, indeed, as we have seen and went through our own destined challenges, we know. But that is the only way. You have come this far, Why the hesitation now? Do not forget ... Remember ..." Their voices faded away with the last few words. Still, the memory of their images remained.

"Yes, my Lords ..." I sounded vigilant, determined yet calm.

They had a message for me, an omen to find my destiny. The very feeling of their existence gave me the strength to look beyond the obvious.

*Alright, this is a different essay from the ones I have read. What is the essay question? Also, what exactly are you trying to convey here?

No, it isn't. It is quite imaginative, certainly, but the story itself clearly exists.

In any event, the story seems incomplete. Unless your assignment was simply to create a scene that could fit into a larger work of fiction, you are going to need to add more detail to explain what is going on to the reader.

tiantian12,
this essay is about a person who got the message/request from her Lords to re-enter the path to her journey of spirituality. it is a conversation with both the Lords and herself... so i wanted to highlight how she was able to understand that she has been forgetting/avoiding her true nature and how she got the courage to carry on.

Rajiv,
you helped a lot to understand my mistakes. thank you very much.

Liebe,
thank you for helping with my essay. i am an A/Level student. my assignment was to write any short-story that we felt could grab the attention of the reader and give them some good messages which would make them think critically. so i thought of writing a spiritual one which is highly related to religious ideas and i wanted to make sure that everybody could understand it. that is the reason why i used the word "Lords" here and didn't mention anything about any particular religion. do you think i have been able to make the reader think critically after reading my story?

EF_Sean,
thank you very much. well, i know the essay must sound like incomplete but i just wanted to write only about the begining of her journey of spirituality. i didn't want to relate anything else(eg:her life style) that would make the reader wonder about those rather than the messages i am trying to give. do you think it is good to write this story the way i have written or should the story be more explained with other facts?

Well, you don't explain who the Lords are, or why they have singled your protagonist out, or why the protagonist has lost her way, or why the Lords care, etc. You need to at least hint at some of this if you want your piece to function as a complete story.

EF_Sean
^All of that is quite true.


^K I finished my A-Levels just recently. Is this for English Lit or Lang? (It does not really matter, I just wanted to know. Strange how you guys got assignments to be completed during the summer...)

-I do not get what you mean by thinking critically. Please expand on this, because our definitions may be different.
-You used the word 'Lords', and 'did not mention any religion'. Well, by saying 'Lords', you kind of are. Abrahamic religions believe that there is only one Lord. So if you were trying to connect readers with the deity in this essay, you would not necessarily be connecting all of your readers. Also, you describe the physical appearance of the Lords. In Abrahamic religions as well, God has not been described physically, which therefore strengthens the disconnect between your readers and this essay.


^I do not see how everyone can understand it. Sean addresses the exact reasons why. How did your protaganist even get to meet the Lords. Was it through imagination, unconsciousness etc...


^Well, I am criticizing your essay. I doubt this is what you had in mind though :)


^Well, at least give your readers some insight as to where the protagonist was when it saw these lords. Was it in a monestary or a temple of some kind? Or like I asked earlier, was it in the state of mind?

Your conclusion in the essay could agree with the latter.
*The essay does need more facts.
This is all that there is:
-The Lords are there.
-They talk to the protagonist
-The protagonist talks back
-The protagonist learns something
-The protagonist wakes up and has a new approach to life

-It should be made clear, why the protagonist talked to the Lords, how the protagonist was able to seek a confrontation with the Lords, when did this happen and where did it happen. Then readers will be given a clearer picture about your essay.

Also, a story should have a conflict that needs resolving. The scene you've written is more like just the resolution, without the conflict, which is unsatisfying for your reader.

thank you very much everybody... i think i will write the essay again and post it...

have a nice time...

How does the speaker know how s/he sounded to others?