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Comparison of additional school attendance from 2000 to 2009 - IELTS-TASK1

Nofrinorman 27 / 17 8  
Nov 8, 2015   #1
The table illustrates the comparison of additional school attendance from 2000 to 2009. It is evident that community school attendance experienced an increase , while the third of school forms showed decrease over the following of the period.

To begin, in 2000, the percentage of voluntary-controlled school attendance were largest at 52% among others and the second was grammar school attendance at 24%, whereas special schools and community school attendance had similar figures of proportion less than a second. Following this, voluntary-controlled schools were popular subjects at 38% and there was quarrel by 6% of community schools in 2005. A minority subject obtained in specialist schools at 11%, which was followed by grammar schools less than a month.

In the end of period, 2009, a significant proportion were taken by community schools attendance at 58% and all of the subject schools were very low amounts for attendance percentage under 15%, the only exception to voluntary-controlled schools at under a quarter.

fahmisadja 33 / 33 34  
Nov 8, 2015   #2
Hi.. Novri...
I attempt to give you comments,
1. in my opinion, you are inconsistent with your thesis statement, you mention an increase first, but you explain it in the end of paragraph. You have a great for grouping, but you loss some words to elaborate your thesis statement.

2. You need to add your sentences, at least 3 sentences for every paragraph. it will be balance for each paragraphs.
3. First paragraph, better if you mention how many classification of school and what is it?
4. You can make contrast between community school and three others, for example, while community were the worst attendance in the first period, it rose significantly more than two times in the end of period. (you can improve by your sentence)

good luck then..

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