First of all, I think you did a good job at developing your argument and brought up some clear points.
Now, the way in which the TOEFL independent writing essay get scored is based on a 5 point rubric. My assessment of your writing would have to be a 3. Here is why:
The rubric states that an essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following:
- addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications, and/or details
- displays unity, progression, and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured
- may demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning
- may display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary
what your focus should be on are the last 3 points, this is where you need to improve in order to boost your score. I will try to point out some of the sections in your essay that contribute to the aforementioned issues.
some examples of incorrect use of word choice
others also prefer to live with them for a longer time because of several occasions
- i think what you mean to sway here was "...time on several occasions." the quote "because of several locations" has a different meaning and is not grammatically accurate.
economic statue of the family.
Without family money or a good job , no one can say that life is good enough to live
- this is a very politically and socially sensitive statement because of the way it is worded. Be VERY careful with this type of sentence, as it could potentially offend the reader. This can be very easy read across as being told that if you don't have a job or family that life is not worth living. this has nothing to do with your writing style but i just wanted to make sure you always try and stay aware of the different perceptions that a reader can have from a statement, especially if it is biased or opinion-driven.
keep developing your understanding of syntax and grammar.
you're off to a good start, your development of ideas is strong, just the formation of your sentences and word choice needs a bit of work
hope this helped, and good luck in the future! :))