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TOEFL; Today's competitive society requires at least social independence from parents for survival


atacankucuk 1 / 2  
Dec 11, 2013   #1
First of all, thank you for helping me . Subject is taken from ETS offical TOEFL test generator.

Subject: Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

Living with parents is no longer a fresh word for young people anymore. The society and its rules are chancing even if we do not realize or willing to be part of it. It cannot be ignored that some of these young adults want independence from their parent for various reasons and the others also prefer to live with them for a longer time because of several occasions. In my opinion, Today's competitive society requires at least social independence from parents for survival. But if it happens too soon, life might become a nightmare for both sides.

First of all, the idea of living with parents or be separated from them is depend on who you are, also where you are. So, it actually based on cultural circumstances. It is obvious that having strong relations with parents cannot be denied but also getting independence is a necessity because no one lives forever and parents will not be there to the eternity. A family should prepare the child for highly competitive environment, and while they doing this thing, the child must be filled with self-confidence and a sense of being as a person. Anyway, I do not think it is necessary for young adults, reaching independence from family till they get married or without having a good profession.

Apart from the points I made above, young individuals strive to enhance their weaknesses for real world, the competitive environment. Moreover, if strong family connections become an obstacle as an addiction, these young adults might not stand against dramatically competitive and chancing world. For this reason, while a young adult seeks to protect his/her family, also has to be prepared for everything in this life. Another thing is that today's competitive society many of young adults get their independence reluctantly. taking care of family is not only the job of parents but also a duty for young adults.

Finally, getting independent from parents is also about the economic statue of the family. Good economic situation is vital for a young adult's independence. Without family money or a good job , no one can say that life is good enough to live. Furthermore, family is a safety place to live if your economic condition is not satisfy your ambition of being free.

In brief, living with family for a longer time is better anyway. The day which bring your independence eventually will come. Till that time, family is the most reliable place that you could ever have. So, having self-confidence and enhancing skills is enough to be happy in life. Perhaps ocean provides more sophisticated world, but only a lake will bring you peace.

Please evaluate my essay with your estimation about point scale. (I mean how many points my essay worth ?)
Thanks again.

Sincerely.

yyc1 5 / 10 2  
Dec 11, 2013   #2
hi there,

First of all, I think you did a good job at developing your argument and brought up some clear points.
Now, the way in which the TOEFL independent writing essay get scored is based on a 5 point rubric. My assessment of your writing would have to be a 3. Here is why:

The rubric states that an essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following:

- addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications, and/or details
- displays unity, progression, and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured
- may demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning
- may display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary

what your focus should be on are the last 3 points, this is where you need to improve in order to boost your score. I will try to point out some of the sections in your essay that contribute to the aforementioned issues.

some examples of incorrect use of word choice

others also prefer to live with them for a longer time because of several occasions

- i think what you mean to sway here was "...time on several occasions." the quote "because of several locations" has a different meaning and is not grammatically accurate.

economic statue of the family.

Without family money or a good job , no one can say that life is good enough to live

- this is a very politically and socially sensitive statement because of the way it is worded. Be VERY careful with this type of sentence, as it could potentially offend the reader. This can be very easy read across as being told that if you don't have a job or family that life is not worth living. this has nothing to do with your writing style but i just wanted to make sure you always try and stay aware of the different perceptions that a reader can have from a statement, especially if it is biased or opinion-driven.

In brief

atacankucuk

keep developing your understanding of syntax and grammar.
you're off to a good start, your development of ideas is strong, just the formation of your sentences and word choice needs a bit of work

hope this helped, and good luck in the future! :))
dumi 1 / 6,933 1592  
Dec 12, 2013   #3
Ok, I see you are new to this forum. :) Next time when you open a new thread, open TOEFL essays in Writing Feedback forum. :)
yyc1 has provided you with lots of useful advice. This is what I can suggest you. Follow this essay structure and earn good marks.
OP atacankucuk 1 / 2  
Dec 12, 2013   #4
Dear yyc1 and dumi,

I'm really grateful for your answers. Indeed, this was the first essay I have written. I will consider your feedbacks and try to improve weak points of my essay.

See you soon .

Have a good day :)
Pahan 1 / 1,912 553  
Dec 12, 2013   #5
I too agree with yyc1 and dumi and it is good to follow their instructions. You can improve on with each practice test you post here as many others do. Let me also highlight a few things I came across in your essay;

Living with parents is no longer a fresh word for young people anymore. The society and its rules are chancing even if we do not realize or willing to be part of it. It cannot be ignored that some of these young adults want independence from their parent for various reasons and the others also prefer to live with them for a longer time because of several occasions. In my opinion, Today's competitive society requires at least social independence from parents for survival. But if it happens too soon, life might become a nightmare for both sides.

Here, you consume about three sentences (first 3 sentences) to elaborate one single idea which is young people today prefer independence. It is very important to avoid redundancy in essay writing. When you express one idea, it is ok to have another sentence to elaborate further on it, but do not keep doing it. That will be boring for the reader.
OP atacankucuk 1 / 2  
Dec 12, 2013   #6
You are absolutely right. Thank you very much Pahan :)


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