I am preparing for ielts, but i am really worried about my writing. Could you give me some comments for this essay? Thanks in advance.
pl check for me:grammar, sentence structures, so on
Topic: Some people believe that competitive sports, both team and individual, have no place in the school curriculum. How far do you agree or disagree?
In recent years, competitive sports have played a vital role in our lives. They not only improve physical and mental health but also contribute to children's social well-being. Therefore, sport is a beneficial subject for children at school.
First and foremost, no sensible person can deny that sport will help people keep fit and stay healthy. By doing exercise everyday like jogging, swimming, they can work off fat and burn calories which they took in variety of food during a day. It also prevents them from risk of obesity and heart attack. Furthermore, sport increases their communication. As evidence of this, when they take part in some competitive sports such as football, volleyball, basketball and etc, they have to build up a teamwork. As a result, this forces them to make friends and talk to the other so as to understand more. Consequently, the youngsters become more confident because they dare to say their personal ideas in workshops, more sociable and extrovert. Three elements are so necessary and important in work thereafter. Besides, playing sport will teach them a practical lesson of winning as well as losing after each contest. As they are loser, they have to stand up at right point they fell and keep walking then. Also they are aware of being grateful for people like mothers, fathers, teachers who help them to reach victories. After all, they will have full out look of life because life is never pink as they think.
In short, competitive sports are an indispensable subject in the school curriculum. Due to many advantages which sport brings to us. I totally disagree that point above.
(I think I have problem with my conclusion. Can you help me how to develop it?)
pl check for me:grammar, sentence structures, so on
Topic: Some people believe that competitive sports, both team and individual, have no place in the school curriculum. How far do you agree or disagree?
In recent years, competitive sports have played a vital role in our lives. They not only improve physical and mental health but also contribute to children's social well-being. Therefore, sport is a beneficial subject for children at school.
First and foremost, no sensible person can deny that sport will help people keep fit and stay healthy. By doing exercise everyday like jogging, swimming, they can work off fat and burn calories which they took in variety of food during a day. It also prevents them from risk of obesity and heart attack. Furthermore, sport increases their communication. As evidence of this, when they take part in some competitive sports such as football, volleyball, basketball and etc, they have to build up a teamwork. As a result, this forces them to make friends and talk to the other so as to understand more. Consequently, the youngsters become more confident because they dare to say their personal ideas in workshops, more sociable and extrovert. Three elements are so necessary and important in work thereafter. Besides, playing sport will teach them a practical lesson of winning as well as losing after each contest. As they are loser, they have to stand up at right point they fell and keep walking then. Also they are aware of being grateful for people like mothers, fathers, teachers who help them to reach victories. After all, they will have full out look of life because life is never pink as they think.
In short, competitive sports are an indispensable subject in the school curriculum. Due to many advantages which sport brings to us. I totally disagree that point above.
(I think I have problem with my conclusion. Can you help me how to develop it?)
