IELTS composition G class Task1 (Fitness facilities renovation)

Can anybody help me check this? If you are familiar with IELTS, please give me a score, please. Appreciate!

Directive: Fitness facilities renovation

Dear Sir,

My name is Jerry, a resident who has been living here for more than 10 years. I am writing now as a representative of my community to present some suggestions about the renovation plan of the resident sports centre. While we really appreciate the old centre here which has been benefiting us for more than 10 years, we want you to be aware that there are some disadvantages as you may see obviously. Along with the inhabitant growing in this area, old centre is becoming more and more crowded, especially in the weekend. But it isn't serious than the structure of the building, less floor and totally enclosed. People in this place are, therefore, expecting to have a complex with more stories and enough open space around. It will be a help for mitigating the intense situation in every weekend. Players can take advantage of the space to have field game, like tennis or soccer. We would appreciate if you could adopt our ideas. Hopefully we can see the new building soon.

Yours sincerely,
Jerry

177 words

first mistake ---- There is only one para, why??? Every one can see mistake by just looking at letter
If i would be examiner i wont give more than 4band.

Here is an example...

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing with regard to Gym which is situated in our locality for more than 25 year. As a chief head of local council it is my responsibility to point out some problems being faced by people who have been using Gym.

In particular, we need to install few exhaust fans because environment in Gym become more suffocated, especially in summer when large number of people using Gym. There is also a need to replace some of the electric power points, which we haven't checked since last year, as per local business policy, they are meant to be checked every six months. These problems can cause any hazardous accident at any point of time.

I would appreciate if you pay your kind attention to this matter and take prompt action to provide better environment to our historic Gym.

Look forward to hearing from you,

Local residents.

I am not a good teacher in English but this is an example to best of my knowledge

My name is Jerry, I am a resident who has been living here for more than 10 years. I am writing now as a representative of my community to present some suggestions about the renovation plan of the resident sports centre. While we really appreciate the old centre here which has been benefiting us for more than 10 years, we want you to be aware that there are some disadvantages as you may see obviously .

Along with the inhabitant growing in this area, old centre is becoming more and more crowded, especially on the weekend. But even this isn't serious than the structure of the building, less floor and totally enclosed. People in this place are, therefore, expecting to have a complex with more stories(what do you mean b stories? more floors?) and enough open space around. It will be a help for mitigating the intense situation in every weekend. ---> good sentence! Players can take advantage of the space to have field game, like tennis or soccer. We would appreciate it if you could adopt our ideas. Hopefully we can see the new building soon.

Well, I don't know how to give this a score, but I can tell you that you write very clearly in English. However, at the end, you ask them to adopt your ideas, but you have not provided many ideas. Perhaps at the end you should state what you want in a simple, clear way.