Hi reviewers, thank you in advance for reviewing my essay. I am preparing for IELTS GT exam and the following essay is for Writing task 2. I have 3 weeks to prepare, and if you can provide a review as per TA ( Task Achievement), CC ( Coherence and Cohesion ), Lexical Resources/ Vocabulary (LR) and Grammer (GR), that will help me to focus on the weakest area. If not, any suggestions/ comments are welcome.
Essay Topic - Computers are becoming an essential part of education. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages and give your own opinion.
As part of the school assignment, computers are becoming the requirement. In my opinion, it is beneficial to children as today the average person's work-life resolves around computers and exposing younger people to the computer early in school prepares them for the future. The most prominent advantage is children get access to the Global school, which help them in understanding and learning better. On other hands, sometimes they get distracted easily by social media and computer gaming.
Using the computer at schools, children can access Global libraries like the online video tutorial, FAQ forums, free e-books and they can grasp on fundamental concepts easily. Without the computer, students have to rely only on books and tutorials given in the classroom, and if they have any other doubts or if they don't understand material easily, they get only limited help. But Internet has truly opened up the whole world to them, and they get the infinite amount of information. For instance, for any single math or science problem, they can find many different ways to solve it. In addition to that, using forum they can interact with people having same issues and learn from each other.
To contrary, using the computer also brings distractions, for examples, computer gaming, and social media, which hinders their progress on studies. While using the computer, it is very easy to get off track as it offers many other functionalities. When using study with paper and pen, focus comes easily. One of the examples of this is, when using the computer for doing an assignment, children end up checking their emails, playing a bit of game and checking their social media, as these functionalities are readily available. If the same assignment is done using Paper- pen, it gets done correctly.
Although there are some disadvantages to using too much computer at school, they outweigh advantages as computer skills are helpful in selecting good career options and maintaining high profile jobs. Today, around 80% - 90% job requires more or less of computer work, therefore learning computer skills at school level is really beneficial.
To summarize, using the computer at school may cause the distraction to study, but in later like having good computer skills are undeniable to any career options.
Discuss computer usage in education | IELTS Writing Task 2
Usage of the computers is becoming more prevalent day by day in the traditional education. Many people believe that this is a good sign, while others think that it is approaching bad consequences. In my opinion, Information technology has transformed education and it has the positive impact. This essay will first discuss, how the computers have provided infinite information and set up an uplifting trend. Later, it will look into people's concern about why too much utilization of the computers has caused negligible personal interaction.
Firstly, the computers have supplied unlimited resources for learning and made education more flexible and easy. Students nowadays can gain knowledge not only from classroom assignments and libraries but also from readily available online resources, like free or paid e-books, abundant numbers of tutorials, and several forums with likewise people. In my opinion, this had made education readily available to everyone and provided facilities so that people can learn anything at their convenience. For instance, using the online courses and tutorials, people are gaining their graduate degrees and certification courses. As per one survey, 50% of people are educating themselves using online universities and websites like Udemy academy, Pheniox university and so on.
Secondly, apart from above advantages, computers' usage has influenced students' personal interaction with their mentors and classmates. As every assignments and course can be done online, there is no need to do the traditional presentation using the whiteboard and interact with peers. In my opinion, using Internet communication has developed abruptly. For example, people can communicate and provide the presentation to not only their classmates but globally can update and interact using Skype, Zoom, Slack and What's up. Although computer usage affected real personal conversation, it has provided the alternative and advanced way of interaction.
In conclusion, Information technology has revolutionized education and it is leading to the bright future.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,686 4759
Neha, since you posted two versions of the essay, I will be advising you only on the second version since that is the newest interpretation that you created for the prompt statement. There are several mistakes in this essay that will lower the TA score to the point where the whole essay may not pass in the remaining scoring sections because the TA score has the most consideration in the individual scoring system.
I am not sure if you are attending classes or not for the IELTS review. I am weary of advising students who are attending classes and have lessons and instructions coming from their tutors, who come here and ask for advice only to argue with me about the proper way to write the essay, If you have a tutor, know that you can disregard my advice at any time. I will not argue with someone who has a tutor since I am only giving free advice here. My advice is on a take it or leave it basis.
Your TA will get a 5 as per my assessment of your work. The first reason for this score is that your opening statement does not accurately represent the discussion requirements. There are 3 requirements for presentation that section:
3. Personal Opinion
When there are 3 sections to be presented and your paraphrased instruction only represents 2, there will be a score deduction for the additional reason that you began the discussion of the topic, by presenting your personal opinion within the prompt restatement. The opening statement is used to assess your ability to represent your own understanding of the original prompt. The main rule to be remembered here is that you are NEVER allowed to begin the discussion of the prompt in this section. The prompt restatement must be completed within 3-5 sentences only. The opinion discussion is reserved for the 3 body paragraphs. Due to this mistake, your C&C section score will also be affected.
The C&C section is used to judge your English thinking ability and your skill in representing that on paper. As such, when you discussed the personal opinion in the opening statement, you violated this rule twice. You discussed your personal opinion, as an integrated statement in the second paragraph. Again, the personal opinion needs to be a stand alone and strong paragraph discussion. A complete and developed paragraph is within 3-5 sentences, based on a singular topic per paragraph. Multiple topics discussed in a single paragraph results in an under developed discussion presentation and, in this instance, garnered you a score of 4.
The body paragraphs for this essay should have contained:
1. Discussion 1
2. Discussion 2
3. Personal Opinion
The IELTS Task 2 essay, whether for academic or General Test writing should always be composed of 5 properly and completely developed paragraphs in order to gain a higher percentage of LR and GRA scores. In this instance, your LR score would be in the range of 5. You have spelling errors that you did not bother to correct in the essay so that pulled the score down even further for that section.
The GRA, would be around a 6. Your sentence tend to ramble on rather than getting directly to the point. You need to write only 250 words for this essay. Do not write more than that so you can focus on editing and revising your essay for final submission. It isn't the amount of words that you have written that is being scored but rather your skill in using the English language. So be direct to the point when discussing in the paragraphs. Stay on topic, do not suddenly insert a personal opinion because the personal opinion is a stand alone paragraph that supports only 1 side of the discussion. Do not use it for comparison discussion purposes.
@Holt, thank you for providing detailed feedback. I do not have a tutor, but I follow an online blog and came up with above Essay structure. But I understand your suggestion as having three paragraphs makes more sense.
The score of 5 seems scary, as I have only two weeks to practice and I need at least 7, but I will put my best effort to improve, thanks again.