IELTS ESSAY : CONSUMER SOCIETIES

hello everyone, I wrote an essay about consumer and economics topic, could u help me correct this essay and mark it. thanks~:-)

Topic : many people say that we now live in 'consumer societies' where money and possessions are given too much importance. Others believe that consumer culture has played a vital role in improving our lives. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Undoubtedly, money and wealth are two indispensable compositions of our modern society. Many people believe individuals and societies both emphasize money and possessions too much, which leads to egotism in our societies. While some claim that the improvement of our living conditions depends on the consumer societies to some extent. In my opinion, consumerism is an inevitable trend but its drawbacks cannot be ignored.

First of all, consumption contributes a lot to each country's economic growth. If we were still attaining goods via bartering like our ancestors did thousands years ago, our standard of living would never be improved, and our demand would never be satisfied. Furthermore, money and wealth can certainly be the incentives of working. An individual, for instance, would only be willing to finish overtime work at higher wages. When he or she earns more money, some commodities will be purchased, such as cars and furniture. As a result, this person's quality of life will be improved through this earning-and-purchasing cycle.

However, the drawbacks of consumer societies are self-evident. Throw-away culture has gradually developed in this kind of society, leading to lavishness. In particular, those who have high income tend to have extravagant lifestyle. In addition, considering too much about profits makes people greedy and selfish. That is why we sometimes feel somewhat indifference between people in our societies.

In conclusion, there are convincing arguments both for and against consumer societies. It can be seen that consumerism is one of the inevitable steps of the development of human beings' society, whereas there are not only benefits we can get, but some issues waiting to be tackled.

This is not very original or meaningful. You write well, but if this is the conclusion you have come to I think it is a little too simplistic. Can you make an astute observation based on this way of thinking? Say something at the end of the first paragraph that the reader may never have thought about before.

For example, you use the word inevitable. If something is inevitable, it is neither good nor bad. It just is. It just IS a fact of life, and like many things in life it has benefits and drawbacks. Do the benefits outweigh the drawbacks? Take a stand! :-)

thanks again, yayz and Kevin.
you gave me a lot of confidence for my coming IELTS test in september.
but sometimes, you know, we cannot discuss the topic sufficiently if we are not familiar with that.
do you have some good advice??

You can probably do some research and see what kinds of topics are common. Study in advance.

What kinds of topics do you think they usually use?

If you need to write about something you don't understand, it helps to be able to make a small observation and write about some small aspect that you do understand.

Hi Dong,
I'm taking IELTS at the end of August and I understand how frustrating it is to write about something that we are not familiar with!

That's why I think it is important to prepare for as many topics as possible beforehand.

This is what I do:
When I finish my essay on one topic, I think it sucked, you know. :(
Then as I type onto my computer, I'd have time to examine it one more time.
After that, I google for more information about the topic, write down the vocabulary I can use, and more appropriate examples, etc. while waiting for feedfacks.

If you have time, you can write another (economic-)related essay.
If not, quickly move on to another topic and prepare for it .
By doing that, I think you'll be more secure when you actually encounter that kind of topic in the real exam!

Hope this helps! Good luck!