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Countless student at universities causes comptetion. Do you agree or disagree? Is it a good or bad?


ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jan 19, 2015   #1
Topic: Over the last few years more and more students enroll in universities. This situation creates competition among individuals. Do you agree or disagree? Is it a good or a bad development?

After industrial revolution and the advancement of technology the high-level education changed into the priority of countries. Thus, countless universities were constituted and to this day they are continuingly admitting students. Accordingly, more students have been evoking to enter to universities, setting a race among them to receive an admission from a university. In my opinion the overall influence of this competition among students is positive due to educational, social and occupational reasons.

To begin with, with increase in the number of universities the number of seats for each student rises, as well. However, students still have to fight hardly to enter to high-ranked universities. In other words, the competition for winning a better position would screen students and classify them in the ranks they deserve. The perseverance and hard work of students for taking greater status not only create better students, but the society also benefits from the presence of qualified educated people.

Second, the competition in a university does not limit to the academic atmosphere, but it has its own social influences on people. University students learn how to maintain their friendships, while they are competing their classmates, who are their friends too. In fact this situation teaches them how to behave maturely. If they cannot balance between friend/rival dichotomy, it would have unhealable social impacts on them. I remember that one of my classmates stopped talking to me just because I achieved a higher mark in a subject. He might have better feeling at that time, but he destroyed a social relationship with a person.

Finally, competition in universities contributes to the advent of more skilful workforce. All students choose to enter to a university to find a more decent job afterwards. An increase in the number of students is translated to more demands for jobs. Knowing this fact, students would try to improve their resumes through years they spend at universities. For instance, I know that there are numerous PhD students who mostly will to take a post doctoral position after graduation. Therefore, I decided to learn work with high-tech microscopes with the intent to stand apart from others when I apply for a job.

In conclusion, many students currently do their studies in different academic levels. This situation could lead to a constructive competitive atmosphere that places them into the ways of social and professional improvements.
kibz95 16 / 53 15  
Jan 20, 2015   #2
Hello Mr. Zafari, well done writing this essay!
Your introduction is pretty nice. Nice beginning and a powerful thesis. However, I see several grammar mistakes especially related with the commas.
For example: After industrial revolution and the advancement of technology (comma ) the high-level education changed into the priority of countries.
OR
To begin with, with increase in the number of universities (Comma ) the number of seats for each student rises, as well.
There are several more, I suggest you take some time to read your essay slowly to see the mistakes.

I also see misused words. For example: However, students still have to fight hardly to enter to high-ranked universities. (I understand you wanted to say difficult or arduous but hard-ly is a completely different word. Watch out)

I think your body is lacking a lot of details... I see your point but its too blunt. Perhaps elaboration will make it look better. Also, if I were you, I would add an example in body 1. What do qualified people do that unqualified people can't? I think your statement will have evidence if you said what exactly a qualified person can do.
OP ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jan 20, 2015   #3
(I understand you wanted to say difficult or arduous but hard-ly is a completely different word. Watch out)

yes you are right, I should have written "hard".

I think your body is lacking a lot of details... I see your point but its too blunt. Perhaps elaboration will make it look better. Also, if I were you, I would add an example in body 1. What do qualified people do that unqualified people can't? I think your statement will have evidence if you said what exactly a qualified person can do.

the problem is that the topic is too broad. These topics are reworded by IELTS takers and in most of the cases they are misworded. As you can see this topic contains two different subjects; (1) Do I agree with the fact that there is a competitive atmosphere in unis, (2) dose this situation have positive or negative influence?

as you can see a broad topic must be written only in 30 minutes. The essay is already too long :)

Thanks anyway for your help
Cheers,
Ahmad
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Jan 20, 2015   #4
Have you given any consideration to the deeper aspect of your discussion that could say that the competition among university students no longer exists because universities now exist as the foundation of start up companies, business platforms, and networks for future business endeavors? I would have written an opposing essay obviously explaining how the competition is important but does not exist to create discord among students. Rather, the competition comes from trying to develop new ideas and business platforms that will allow them to partner with each other in support of each others ideas. Remember the story of Mark Zuckerberg and the founding Facebook? Facebook was born out of the competition between universities and students. The competition resulted in a business evolution and technological revolution. With such an outcome from the competition among university students, how can it be a disagreeable situation? The competition that it created between the students may have resulted in one of the most trail blazing lawsuits in history, but it also showed the students the importance and value of networking for future business contacts at the foundation level of their education. Think of university education in terms of 21st century business. The point of view that you currently present is dated and does not really consider the new way that education and business are intertwined from the very start of a person's educational life. This makes the competition a good thing, not a bad thing and thus, makes it a good development.
OP ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jan 20, 2015   #5
This makes the competition a good thing, not a bad thing and thus, makes it a good development

Luisa, I did not say it is a bad thing. My examples are based on my personal experience, as a person who is studying in the current century. I said it has positive influences on students, such as producing more qualified students, improving social behaviour of students, introducing better workforce. I appreciate your suggestions and good ideas you have provided anyway.

Would you please let me know how well the essay was written in terms of grammar, vocab, coherency, structure? Thanks
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Jan 21, 2015   #6
No argument coming from me :-) I was just offering a different insight into the topic for discussion. Your grammar is good, the way you express your thoughts are critical and analytical to a great degree. However, the overall sentence structure comes across as choppy at times because of the grammar errors that appear in the paper here and there. Not to worry though, those errors are negligible /acceptable since you are an ESL learner. The overall message of your paper, including your opinion and discussion are quite clear to the reader. I don't think you should mention the industrial revolution at the start of the essay though since that is a hallmark of the 20th century evolution of mankind and society. The 21st century is embodied by the rapid technological evolution and hunger for knowledge that the technology allows people to feed upon. So just a slight adjustment to the first sentence is in order. The rest of the essay is very good work. I apologize for not having mentioned that critique before. I will remember to do that for you next time :-)
OP ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jan 21, 2015   #7
No argument coming from me :-)

:) I thought my essay was not clear so made you think I was opposed to the competition at unis. I always copy your ideas you provide me with in a separate MS word file, so yes, they are really really helpful.

an ESL learner.

I wish I was an ESL, unfortunately I'm an EFL :(

I don't think you should mention the industrial revolution at the start of the essay though since that is a hallmark of the 20th century evolution of mankind and society. The 21st century is embodied by the rapid technological evolution and hunger for knowledge that the technology allows people to feed upon

Actually, when I wrote the introduction I realized this point, but it was too late :)) cause I post whatever I finish in 30 minutes to see your opinion on the work finished in this time limit.

Thanks again for your help :)
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Jan 21, 2015   #8
Okay. That is where your main mistake lies. Always, always allow yourself at least 10 minutes to review your paper before you hit that all too important submit button. I cannot begin to emphasize how important it is to self edit your work before you submit it for a final grade. I realize that 30 minutes does not allow much time for writing but even leaving yourself a 5 minute allowance for review will give your paper a remarkable edge. It allows you review the paper and gives you an opportunity to address any doubts you have in the paper. Since you are just working with a non official reviewer for now (that would be me :-) ) here is what I suggest you do. Take 5 minutes to draft your paper. That means just write down anything that comes to mind in any form. They could be disconnected sentences or just beginnings of paragraphs. It does not matter. Just get the theme and topic for discussion per paragraph written down. Then take 20 minutes to create the body of your paragraphs. You already have your starters written down, just expand upon the thoughts per paragraph. After you complete that, take the last 5 minutes to review and spell check the content of the paper. Most importantly, use the time to address any doubts that you have about the content of the paper that you have written. By the time the 30 minute buzzer sounds, you will be as confident as possible that you have developed the best paper response that you can :-) Keep doing this before you submit anything for review here and you will find that over time, it will become second nature and, as your grasp of the grammar and knowledge of English culture expands, you will be writing faster than ever and end up having more time to dedicate to the final review and revision process prior to submission :-) Do you think you can still find the energy to do that in your already hectic and energy draining day? If you have weekends off, you can try those time management exercises then.
OP ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jan 21, 2015   #9
Take 5 minutes to draft your paper. That means just write down anything that comes to mind in any form. They could be disconnected sentences or just beginnings of paragraphs. It does not matter. Just get the theme and topic for discussion per paragraph written down. Then take 20 minutes to create the body of your paragraphs.

Actually, this is what I do every time, and the 30 minutes that I'm talking about includes that 5 minutes I spend on the editing of the essay. But, the problem of the IELTS test is that you need to write your essay on paper, thus, there is no margin for changing a paragraph or even a sentence. It is not like TOEFL test that you type the essay and you can even change the order of paragraphs if you wish. IELTS test dose not belong to 21st century :))))
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Jan 21, 2015   #10
I guess my TOEFL experience is way different from that of the IELTS. Thanks for letting me know about the test difference. For the purposes of our review, I guess you should still be used to writing things in final form before submitting then. We need to adjust some things though. That means that I would like you to slow down in writing the essay and take time to consider what it is you want to write before you write it down. Since you don't have a chance to revise or delete portions of your essay, you will need to think the essay through in your head before you even lay pen to paper. Formulate the essay format and theme per paragraph in your heard before you write things down. Now, the IELTS may not belong in the 21st century but that does not mean that the 21st century cannot adjust to it. Visualize the content of your paper and do not write anything that you are unsure about down. Consider what you want to say first, then try to hear the thoughts in your head. If you are sure that is what you want to say, only then should you commit your thoughts to paper.


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