Many countries spend a lot of money in the arts. Some people think investment in ....IELTS writing

I'm preparing for my IELTS test,and I hope I can get some tips or correction from you guys full of wisdom. THANKS!

Here is the topic: Many countries spemd a lot of money in the arts. Some people think investment in the arts is necessary, but others say money is better spent on public services and facilities . Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

are the art investmets appropriate?

MY answer:

People hold different views on whether the government should invest in the arts, especially when a country encounter the buget deficit problem.From my personal perspective,the construction and the improvement of country infrastructure should be in priority and only when the government has the financial surplus should they spend money in the arts.

Many people, as supporters of arts investment, believe that arts makes our cities more attractive.Some arts works, like sculptures and paintings can beautify our public area,such as library,subway station,even the sanitary.If the arts prospers ,we will have more enjoyable lives with the buildings in variety of styles.Besides,arts enables us to release some pressure, keeping us in a better mood in daily life.

Although the arts is considered essential by some people,someone else think that the public facilities far more deserve to be focus on .The ordinary citizens are more interested in infrastructure(school,transport,power and water supply) which have direct impact on their life quality. For instance,a better condition of sanitation promotes people's health, lessening the possibilty of diseases;more libraries and schools guarantee the people of a higher level of knowlege,which enables them to find jobs with good prospects. Comparably,sculptures,paintings and dramas are luxuries to most people ,failing to bring actual advantages to them.For example,investing in transport system makes the trade and production more efficiency and effective,improving the productivity at the same time,with which more investment can be aroused into cities and a virtuous cycle is formed.

So in my opinion,the government should put more emphasis on the pulic facilities, even if the arts makes our cities beautiful.

Hi, please refer to my some amendments on your essay. Hope this helps you.

emphases

Comparably,sculptures,paintings ... -> In addition, sculptures,paintings and dramas are considered to be the luxury arts to many people; therefore they believe that these arts fail to bring real benefits to them.

Kevin, you have the body of the essay correct. You used the perfect reference phrases to indicate which side of the discussion you are presenting. This is, for all intents and purposes, a presentation of 2 acceptable body of paragraph reasons. However, for all the perfection of the body of paragraphs, there was one slight flaw in your presentation. What exactly did you mean when you referenced "sanitary" in the paragraph?: Sanitary what? How does that beautified by art? If you meant restrooms, then explain why. Or better, yet don't mention it at all since you already made 2 example references in the sentences that are self explanatory. Don't present any examples that you have to explain when you are presenting several samples in one sentence.

The main imperfection of your essay is that you opened the presentation with a response pertaining to your personal opinion. Since this is not a direct question essay but rather a comparative + personal opinion paper, the personal opinion should have been presented anywhere within the 3 body paragraph reasoning presentation. With this particular essay, you should present a total of 5 paragraphs covering:

1. Paraphrase
2. Public POV 1
3. Public POV 2
4. Personal POV
5. Concluding summary

This method of discussion is the most appropriate and most advised method of discussion as the prompt requirement indicates the need for the 5 body paragraph. The prompt discussion instructions always indicates how many body paragraphs you have to present. Normally, you are asked to present 4 paragraph for agree or disagree questions and 5 paragraphs for comparative + personal opinion essays. Direct question essays can also be presented in 4-5 paragraphs depending upon how familiar you are with the discussion topic. Always deliver the discussion in the manner indicated in the prompt.

In this instance, you failed to properly deliver a prompt paraphrase because you immediately launched into a personal discussion. The correct first paragraph / paraphrase would have been composed mainly of a restatement of the following topics:

1. Discussion Topic
2. Reasons for the discussion
3. Restatement of the discussion instructions for outline discussion purposes

Sample:

Various countries have been known to support the artistic endeavors of its citizens. That is why some people have come to question why the government spends so much money on the arts when there are other government supported programs that need funding. This essay shall discuss whether the government should continue with its art expenditures and why or whether it should be offering more funding to other projects. After that discussion, I shall present my personal point of view for the reader's consideration.

Had your opening paragraph been more attuned to what I wrote above, your essay would have stood a chance of gaining a higher scoring consideration.