Please can you give me feedback about my TOEFL ESSAY.
Holidays honor people or events. If you could create a new holiday,what person or event would it honor and how would you want people to celebrate it? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.
Holidays have a good effect on intelligent beings, therefore every country has national holidays to make people fun and relax such as Halloween, New Year's Day, Memorial Day, Independence Day, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. From my perspective, if I have a chance to create a new holiday, I would create "engineer day" and I would let them not go work for one day. I have some reasons about it.
To begin with, it is a well known fact that engineers have a difficult job. They start working hard at college, moreover they continue to work hard when they graduated. Nowadays, countries make lots of investments to gain competitive advantage and engineers have a crutial role for this. In my opinion, government should make some activities such as holiday for the engineers. May be engineers come together in special places with their families and my be they can buy everything very cheaper in there. For example, employees do not work in labor day and day come together in a city square. They want their rights to be better. Engineer day should be as labor day. Engineers should have a opportunity to tell their troubles, pressıres to the government.
In addition to previous point, the holiday will be a good opportunity for many people to relax and rejuvenate their spirits,Engineers should work in good conditions to be beneficial for their country. On the one hand, engineers earn much money. On the other hand they have to work hard, therefore they need some relaxation to do their job well. In my own experience, I am a computer engineer and I am always busy, as a result I do not have enough time to handle my social life properly. I could not spend enough my time with my family regarding to my job. If there is a engineer day, I would spend all my time with my wife and children. I could also consider I am valuable for my country, due to the fact that engineers have a special day.
All in all, engineers are very important for the future of a country and their problems should be considered. That is not to say, of course, other occupations are not important, however engineering has a vital role for the future of the country because of the reasons that I thought.
Koray, the first thing yo have to learn to do in writing a TOEFL essay is to follow the IBC rules of writing. That is the Introduction, Body, and Conclusion. Doing that will require you to cut up your essay into specific paragraphs that represent each section of the essay. Your current essay is not divided properly into these sections which makes it very hard to read. I suggest that you divide it this way:
Paragraph 1 - Introduction - present the thesis statement, an overview of the discussion, and your opinion (if required).
Paragraph 2 - Body - Choose one very good reason to support the claim that you made in your introduction.
Paragraph 3 - Body - Present your point of view and the reasons you believe you are correct (if required).
Paragraph 4 - Conclusion - Close the essay by presenting your restated prompt, summary of the facts, and an emphasis on your point of view.
Note: All paragraphs should be at least 3 sentences long in order to qualify as a properly written, but necessarily developed paragraph. A well developed paragraph has more than 5 sentences in it.
Like I said, you need to learn to divide your essay into specific topic paragraphs. Right now you have your introduction and first body combined into one paragraph. Take the part where you say "First engineers has a vital role..." and make that a new paragraph. That is how you start to write an IBC compliant essay. Your reasons are good and should not be altered in essence, but should be revised for grammatical errors instead. Always use one paragraph for every topic you discuss in your essay. Do not combine the subjects in one paragraph so that you can properly develop your discussion and line of reasoning in support of the statement. Do you understand what I am trying to tell you? Can you try to revise the essay the way you think I mean so that I can tell you if you did it right? If you do it wrong, I will show you how to do it in an example.
Fantastic improvement! By simply dividing your essay into paragraphs, you have created a more academic and professional format for it. This makes the essay easier to read and allows the reader to expect a change in topic as they progress with reading your essay. The arguments you present also become better discussed and allows the reader to pause in between paragraphs to let them analyze the meaning of your writing. Good work! Your conclusion needs work though. The essay should only be a restated prompt, summary of the discussion, and a repeat of your opinion. Aside from that shortcoming, the essay is good enough.