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IELTS: Writing Task 2- Crime in The World


Mann_ms 9 / 20 5  
Sep 20, 2014   #1
Crime is a problem all over the world and there is nothing that can be done to prevent it.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?


Nowadays, Many kinds of problems appear every day. It can be proved that crime is rising significantly year by year. This almost occurs in whole parts of the globe. This phenomena reveals that crime become a crucial problems, and many participants attempt to solve that matters. While many people think that crime can be prevented, I personally argue that crime can be reduced but cannot be stopped.

Admittedly, crime has been occurring till this day. And latest news about the criminal can be seen on television or internet. However, government and many participants make some efforts to fighting crime. Firstly, government which has policy should enforce the law and maintain criminal justice. Corruption Eradication Commission, in Indonesia for instance, is established to eradicate corruptor as perpetrators of human rights. This commission enforces some cases of corruption. Secondly, sexual crime is become serious threat in this age. But, government has been already overcome with create laws regulating sexual activities. If government has not been able to overcome its cases, public and stakeholders should conscious to combat the crime with increase awareness and carefulness. Finally, Cyber crimes become new crime concomitant development technology. Nonetheless, government and stakeholders try to handle with invent cyber security system.

The attempt by all participants on the other hand, still needs to be improved. Such as creating community triggers and creating new regulating laws more assertive. Duo to the crime still breaks out violently, and crime remains increase every day with new kind of crime. Corruption, at the time, still happens rife. From Corruption Perception Index, two-thirds countries in this world indicate seriously corruption problems. This condition proves that commissions need extra works to solve that. Besides that, from institute for security studies, for example, reveals that sexual crime rate steady rise, a rise of about 28 per cent till 37 per cent each year. Even though, the government attempts to handle that, in fact, sexual crime still increase. Following this, although government acts strategic efforts, cyber crime still happen in almost 157 countries in the world, source from Internet Security Threat Reports.

To sum up, crime still occurs almost in all parts of the globe. The crime happens with same cases even new cases every day. Preventing crime is not easy. Government, stakeholders, and publics need considerable effort to reduce that cases, because that is impossible to stop the crime.
vangiespen - / 4131 1449  
Sep 20, 2014   #2
Nowadays, Many kinds of problems appear every day. It can be proved that crime is rising significantly year by year. This almost occurs in whole parts of the globe. This phenomena reveals that crime become a crucial problems, and many participants attempt to solve that matters. While many people think that crime can be prevented, I personally argue that crime can be reduced but cannot be stopped.

- Mann, problems are different from crimes. So you should not say " Many kinds of problems appear everyday". The keyword here is crime and that is the word that should almost constantly be appearing in this essay. How do you plan to prove that crime is rising every year? Crime does not almost occur everywhere in the globe, it does happen. There are no suppositions in introductory statements. Only facts. In order to portray yourself as someone who is familiar with the topic, you need to use words that make you sure about your statements. You have a very good point of view on the matter. The method you used for restating the prompt was also creative.

Admittedly, crime has been occurring till this day. And latest news about the criminal can be seen on television or internet. However, government and many participants make some efforts to fighting crime. Firstly, government which has policy should enforce the law and maintain criminal justice. Corruption Eradication Commission, in Indonesia for instance, is established to eradicate corruptor as perpetrators of human rights. This commission enforces some cases of corruption. Secondly, sexual crime is become serious threat in this age. But, government has been already overcome with create laws regulating sexual activities. If government has not been able to overcome its cases, public and stakeholders should conscious to combat the crime with increase awareness and carefulness. Finally, Cyber crimes become new crime concomitant development technology. Nonetheless, government and stakeholders try to handle with invent cyber security system.

-The essay asks you to discuss crime from a global perspective. While it is nice to know that Indonesia has set up systems to help combat graft and corruption, that is not the kind of example that this essay needs. It needs something heavier such as the UN Commission on Human Rights, Interpol (for international crimes and wanted people), and the International Court of Justice, for trying certain types of crimes on an international level. Remember, the question is that with crime happening all over the world, nothing can be done to prevent it. The correct answer is, something can be done to prevent it and the aforementioned international organizations are proof of that.

Based on the suggestions that I made which will further align your thesis with the prompt, I suggest that you revise the paper and use those organizations as the factual samples for international crime prevention. Don't forget to discuss inter law enforcement agency between countries cooperation when it comes to solving and arresting crimes as well. The FBI works with the international communities to prevent certain types of international crimes as well.
SHanafi 120 / 414 93  
Sep 20, 2014   #3
Hi mann.
This is good. However, let me give few suggestion

crime has been occurringtill this day

Avoid spoken expression in formal writing

And latest news about the criminal can be seen on television or internet

This is fragment sentence, you need a main sentence.

. Secondly, sexual crime is become serious threat in this age. But, government has been already overcome with create laws regulating sexual activities. If government has not been able to overcome its cases , public and stakeholders should conscious to combat the crime with increase awareness and carefulness.

Maintain your idea here. It is does not make a sense if the government already overcome the case of sexual crime then you state a conditional situation if the case is not overcome.

Such as creating community triggers and creating new regulating laws more assertive.

It needs a main sentence.

Duo to

due to

This condition proves that commissions need extra works to solve that

It sounds spoken. You should clarify where "that" refers to.

that sexual crime rate steady rise

...that sexual crimes rise steadily.

Even though, the government attempts to handle that, in fact, sexual crime still increase

Some issues of punctuation using. A possible suggestion, Even though the government attempts to hand in the case of sexual crimes, the cases still increase nowadays.

Striking backward to your prompt and your conclusion

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

---

To sum up, crime still occurs almost in all parts of the globe. The crime happens with same cases even new cases every day. Preventing crime is not easy. Government, stakeholders, and publics (public is a plural noun, omit "s") need considerable effort to reduce that cases, because that is impossible to stop the crime.

To engage with the task responses, the conclusion should involve your personal view "To what extend do you agree or disagree".
SAM2014 8 / 13 3  
Sep 21, 2014   #4
To sum up, crime still occurs almost in all parts of the globe. The crime happens with same cases even new cases every day. Preventing crime is not easy. Government, stakeholders, and publics need considerable effort to reduce that cases, because that is impossible to stop the crime.

The concluding statement is not very clear. You just present some facts and what should the government do. You opinion should be summried in this part.


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