Culcure - the arts should be replaced by science, technology or business - Ielts writing task 2

Question:
Governments should invest in science, technology or business instead of arts.

Do you agree or disagree with the statement?

Essay

Every country has its own unique culture, especially it is expressed by many arts. However, some people think that the arts should be replaced by science, technology or business. In my opinion, I disagree with the notion and I think arts are no less important than science and governments should invest in arts.

Firstly, investing in the arts is to develop the services and tourism industries. Once the governments invest in the arts, it is creating conditions to preserve, restore and advertise the nation's historic and religious architecture to the world. From there, that country will preserve its roots and pass on its unique culture forever. On that basis, attracting a lot of tourists to travel and explore will make the services and tourism industries develop and bring a lot of profits for the country. As a result, the economy of the country is growing and becoming stronger. In addition, it will help the governments to solve a difficult problem of lack of jobs for workers. Because when tourism develops and attracts many visitors, it will create a lot of jobs such as guides, service staff,... for workers.

Despite all these advantages of investing in the arts, there are still some people who think that governments should invest in science, technology or business instead of arts. However, when they know the essentials of arts they will realise why the governments should invest more in it. For example, when we do not concentrate on developing art, we will not be able to preserve our own country's roots and culture. For this reason, the economy goes down, the country is weakened and vulnerable to invasion. Therefore, investing in the arts is no less important than investing in science, technology or business.

In conclusion, besides development science, technology or business, the governments should have policies to invest and develop the arts. Moreover, not only the governments, I think people should have the responsibility to preserve and advertise the nation's historic and religious architecture to the world.

The writer did an acceptable job in his restatement and opinion presentation. However, his discussion fell short of the better scoring discussion format. His discussion presentation could use a more proper debate slant to highlight the correct comparative discussion format for this essay. The correct discussion format will always gain a higher score.

For this essay, a 5 paragraph format presentation would have gotten a better score. That is because offering focused paragraph discussions, one each for science, technology, and business would have given a more cohesive discussion consideration. Use evidence to prove that investing more in arts, when compared to the investment in each other aspect results in a better investment. Compare say, the cost against the results. The results will be a better analyzed and higher C+C score.

With regards to punctuation usage, an ellipses cannot be used immediately after or before a comma. English punctuation rules allow only for the use of one punctuation mark at a time, normally after complete idea presentations or when listing consecutive ideas or information.

Avoid referencing "I think". In any part of the presentation. The writer must show that he is convinced that his pinion is correct and he will not be able to convince the reader of the same. Only words of certainty must be used throughout the presentation.