The Dancing girl
I finally sneaked in. with the flashlight on my head, I used the rough cave wall to guide me through it and to keep balance from the dizziness caused by lack of oxygen. 'Tick... tick...tick...'I could hear a soft dripping noise as dew slid of the rocks. Suddenly, the pain from my hands drove me back to reality, the sharp edge of the rock ripped my grip, the blood reflected a murky light.
And I saw it.
There was a beautiful dancing girl with mid-night black hair flowed over her shoulder. Wearing a long purple dress covering in beautiful white lining across the top part of the dress, her pale hands were placed over her head, she leaped from the sky like a swam. The radiant silk ran down to the bottom of her magnificent feet.
I can't help myself drowning in this marvelous work. I took a big step forward. My breathing slowed as I tried to take in more of the, humid air to calm me down in order to finish my stealing work more quickly.
Yes, as you can see. I am a bandit. I came here to steal the world's most famous and marvelous painting: Fei Tian to impress my mentor. I put on my white gloves and started my mission.
Being a bandit must be very informative. We must be aware of the current news as we shouldn't lose track of the properties we are chasing for. And, of course, there were endless of myths, legend or stories between all the bandits.
There was also a story about this cave...
It happened around two hundred years ago. In a peaceful night, But the visiting of a group of four people broke the atmosphere of total tranquility. They were one of the most well-known bandit groups in the world. After they have taken down the painting smoothly. They soon brought up the subject of the distributions of the money they may get after they sold this priceless painting, which led to a serious conflict. '
Things have gone out of control. All of them are furious and felt unfair with their distribution. As the leader of the group stab one of the group mates, the actual slaughter started.'
There was thick, dark red liquid everywhere. Oozed out of the wounds, flow over the rocks... that scene is horrendous. It was like blood floods.
After that night, people saying they turned to ghosts. They could hear men whimpering in pain came out of the cave. They could see thick blue veins swelled through their wax paper skin.
And there were people saying that the ghosts often show up on the exactly the same time as they walked into this cave: two o'clock in the morning.
I shook my head and continued my work. Tried to drive out these ridiculous thoughts.
That's when I heard what sounded like wailing. 'Waa...waa'my pulse ramped up. It's nothing, I told myself, I'm imagining things.
But then it started again. 'Waa...Waa...'
I froze. All my breath trapped. I tried to take out my gun that I placed on my belt. But it was no longer there.
My throat constricted. I could no longer control his hands; they were shaking in an odd trembling rhythm as the colour drained from my face.
I tried to release the muscles of my hands that tightened with incredible force and took out my watch.
That was my favorite watch. It was also a souvenir of my first victory of my stealing career. There were little beads that made by crystal that were sparling in this dim background.
But now, I have no pleasure to enjoy it.
Right now, it was two o'clock in the morning.
I tried to scream but my lips were frozen in terror. I tried to escape. I stood up and started to run. Images of the ghost in the story flashing through my brain.
Suddenly everything went completely silent. All movement around me slowed down to an excruciating pace. I could feel my pulse pounding through my body, and escaping in torrents through the open wound. At this moment I felt no pain, I felt no sorrow. I fell to the ground, a dull ache forming in my chest. And yet I was calm.
Sato put down the gun. Look at the body that flowed over blood with no emotion in her eyes.
'What an Idiot.' She sneered. 'I thought it would take a while to let you believe the wailing sound. But... anyway, now I can start my work.'
Sato turned around. Walk to the painting.
'Hahahaha...hahahaha... I finally have you! You are mine!' Her face turned to red as she gently stroked the incredible painting and laughed. She moved out the painting at once.
'Bang!' Suddenly, the painting dropped from Sato's hands, clanking on the floor as she fought to comprehend what she'd just saw.
There was a huge gap behind the painting. And In the gap, there were four corpses with eyes opened staring at Sato.
She stepped back slowly. It's absurd. She thought. It must be a joke.
'Crack!' a bone snapping sound suddenly occurred to this quiet cave.' The atmosphere in the cave became eerier.
Sato gazed at the corpses. Her body shaking and her terror filled her eyes that were wide and stood out against her pale skin.
She started to escape from here. She scrambled her way through the door. Yelling, screaming and terrifying.
In the cave, there was a gun, a man's body that was full over blood and a marvellous painting.
'It has been thousands of years. Don't you guys get bored?' suddenly, a whimper came out from the painting within velvet of moisture...
Silence lay like a down-filled duvet over the area, muffling the slightest sound, it was like a ghost town.
And it really was.
withWiththe flashlight
s on my head, I used the rough cave wall to guide me through
it and
to keep balance from the dizziness caused by lack of oxygen. 'Tick... tick...tick...'I could hear a soft dripping noise as dew slid
offrom the rocks.
And, of course, there were endless of myths, legend or stories between all the bandits.
This is not very clear... You better rephrase this sentence.
Yes, as you can see. I am a bandit.
Yes, now you know me; I am a bandit!I came here to steal the world's most famous and marvelous painting: Fei Tian to impress my mentor
I was there to steal one of world masterpiece paintings, Fei Tian, to impress my mentor.I put on my white gloves and started my mission.
I wore my hand gloves on and began my mission.Being a bandit must be very informative. We must be aware of the current news as we shouldn't lose track of the properties we are chasing for. And, of course, there were endless of myths, legend or stories between all the bandits.
And do you think any other sentence can be deleted? Because the maximum of it is 500 words... Thank you so much!
I think so.... the flow of your narrative story suddenly gets broken down with this and we are unable to find whether you are continuing that initial story of robbery or not. I think you have to remove all bandit stories and focus on your main story line.
Thx a lot for your comments! They are really helpful!
Well, my initial idea is to create a rather story of horror that another bandit pretends to be the dancing girl that came out of the painting and told me the story to scare 'me' away and she saw the corpses. And she got scared away and the real dancing girl came out as the ending... But i finish that version of story at 2000 words... And the maximum is 500 words. So i changed it to this. I know it's a bit weird to have a lot of things that came fron nowhere, but i really dont know how to do...
Do you think i just cut of the story part and all focus on the robbery details? Or have some horror parts like see the corpses thing? PLZ SHARE YOUR IDEA!
Thx a lot for your help!
