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These days everyone seems to have more and more possessions (e.g. computers, cars, mobile phones, et


Sunnydayyy 1 / 2  
Mar 15, 2015   #1
Hello, I am a students studying writing in English. Could you read my essay and fix if there are worng things?

It is true that our materialistic society encourages us to possess more and more products such as smartphones and private vehicles. Regarding this, some assert that people tend to neglect vital human values such as being kind to others and concern for others, which I strongly agree with.

To begin with, people living in materialistic societies are force to purchase many goods coming out every day and they have to work hard to pay for those. Moreover, this trend results in people being not able to think about others as they are often exhausted from their working. For example, some fathers neglect their families and some people cannot see the poverty or the disabled because they merely do not have time to consider them.
btrfly7 - / 15 6  
Mar 15, 2015   #2
Hello, I am a students studying writing in English. Could you read my essay and fix if there are worng things?

... values such as being kind to others and having concern for others, which I strongly agree with.

To begin with, people living in materialistic societies are force (forced) to purchase many goods coming out every day, and they have to work hard to pay for those.

... some people cannot see the poverty or the disabled, because they merely do not ...

As well as thatIn addition to that , after buyingthe latest products as a reward of hard working, most people often spend their time exploiting them rather than having time with friends or families. For instance, smartphone users tend to be addicted to their cellphones, playing games and searching the internet. Therefore, they havespend more time with those intricate machines than with friends and families.

In conclusion, the desire to possess goods resultedgained from materialism makes people neglect precious human values as they have to work harder to buy products, which leads to lack of time to think about others. In addition,Sadly, after acquiring products, people are often addicted to those and have less time with other people.

Nice essay here! Very clear and to the point. You just have a few punctuation suggestions to attend to and a couple of word choice corrections. Great going!


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