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These days, it is true that parents do not spend much time on their children

thuhabk 4 / 8 1  
May 21, 2020   #1
Please help me review my ielts writing task 2

Today, parents spend little free time with their children.

Why is it the case? Who are more affected? Parents or children?

These days, it is true that parents do not spend much time on their children. There are a number of reasons for this, and from my perspective, this tendency have more profound impacts on children than parents.

To begin with, the major reason why parents spend less time taking care of their offspring is that parents are busy working. In a modern society today, the high cost of living and increasingly competitive job market drive parents to become workaholics. This means that adults could undertake extended hours of work such as taking night shifts or working overtime and only return home till late at night. Therefore, it is really difficult for parents to set aside their quality time with their children. Furthermore, taking care of children sometimes take a great deal of effort and time, meanwhile, adults tend to take the rest of the day to unwind and recharge their batteries when coming back home as they experience a hard-working day. So, parents often let their offspring play with babysitters or technical gadgets such as smartphones, computers or tablets. This also explains why the time that parents spend on their children is increasingly little.

Children are more vulnerable to the detrimental effects of deficient interaction with their parents. This is because children are in the stage of shaping their personalities and behaviors, and therefore, very need the care and education from their parents. Without adequate supervision and advice of parents, children can easily go on the wrong track such as committing crimes, drug addiction. Even though children can suffer from psychological crisis or unexpected behavioral changes such as mood swings, depression, emotional distress, which could do harm to children's physical and mental health.

In conclusion, I think that parents today do not spend enough time for their children, which creates a more destructive effect on children than parents.

Holt [Contributor] - / 8,982 2697  
May 21, 2020   #2
Excellent work on the reasoning paragraphs. The dual topic presentation was well presented. It used good transition methods from one topic to the next in the same paragraph. The paragraphs utilizes good examples and accurately supports the thought behind the example The length of the paragraph is justified because your explanation was developed well enough in each paragraph.

That said, the main problem with your presentation is the lack of relevance in the original prompt restatement and the concluding paragraph summary. The opening statement, does an acceptable topic restatement. However, you should have given the discussion topic outline in the last 2 sentences, based on the given questions of the original prompt. That would have shown the examiner how you plan to discuss the topics and, allows him to gauge how well you understood the topic and discussion requirements.

Additionally, there are several grammar issues that would have had an effect on the scoring considerations for your otherwise good work. When writing in an academic done, avoid using overused phrases and words such as "really difficult". Drop the "really" and just say "difficult". "Really difficult" sounds highly amateurish. As an advanced student, you should avoid using words that will make the paper read like it was written by a grade school student.

You should also use a comma when listing related items (smartphones, computers, or tablets). It helps to make the sentence clearer in the mind of the reader. You should also work on using specific adjectives to help add to the clarity of the discussion presentation. "High cost of living" is an overused phrase. It would be more impressive if you said "Prohibitive cost of living instead.

Your concluding summary is incomplete. You should remember, the concluding summary should contain the same information as the prompt restatement. The idea, is to prove that you can explain yourself in 2 ways, based on the use of different thought presentations in the final paragraph. It will help judge if you can clearly restate your discussion and reasoning topics, without getting confused the 2nd time you have to present the same information.

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