[IELTS] PARENTS SPEND TIME TELLING STORIES TO THEIR CHILDREN

TOPIC:
Some people think parents should read or tell stories to children. Other think parents needn't do that as children can read books or watch TV, movies by themselves.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

It would be argued by some that it is not necessary for offspring to be told stories by their parents as they can do it on their own. In my opinion, however, that is a beneficial practice.

There are several reasons why children being told stories by adults could be considered unimportant. Firstly, parents are nowadays occupied with more assignments at work, which might lead to their lack of time for their family. If they spend time reading stories to entertain their children, they couldn't enjoy the little remaining hours to relax. Secondly, reading books or watching movies by themselves can offer children some certain benefits. This might encourage independent learning and develop better sense of language as they are challenged to understand words and film scenes at their own pace. In doing so, they must apply the knowledge that they have learnt in the classroom.

Despite the above arguments, I support the view that children should be told stories by their parents as it would contribute to a better relationship among family members. Parents would have more interactions with their children and chances to understand them. For example, by discussing about a story, children might show their reactions to anything they observe from their own perspectives. Parents, therefore, can get to know them and even help their offspring to gain awareness and get better attitude towards everything in life. As a result, parents could get their children's respect and become a close friend to talk to. I personally believe that this is a necessary aspect of a close-knit family.

In conclusion, while it seems to me that it is more advantageous for parents and their children to enjoy stories together.

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I would be glad if my first essay is evaluated by you guys. Waiting for your help.
Thank you <3

Your intro is ok, but for me, I would extend it like this: ... that is a beneficial practice in terms of/ because...

As for your conclusion, the word while is redundant

Overall, the structure and topic sentences are good.

" necessary for offspring to be told stories by their parents as they can do it on their own" sounds awkward. Change that into "necessary for parents to tell stories to their children since they can do that on their own".

"There are several reasons why children being told stories by adults " change into "why it is unnecessary for adults to tell stories to their children"

" they couldn't enjoy the little remaining hours to relax" => they wont be able to
"some certain benefits" => "certain benefits" is enough. adding "some" makes it sounds redundant because "certain" already means "some"

The discussion format for this essay is totally out of the expected presentation. As such, you will receive a lower TA score due to inappropriate formatting. You are expected to respond to this essay using the proper paragraph presentation which is:

Par. 1: Restatement + Personal opinion reference
Par. 2: First Public POV + Personal opinion
Par. 3: Second Public POV + Personal opinion
Par. 4: Overall personal opinion (opting to take one side of the discussion)
Par. 5: Concluding summary of the previous discussion points

There is a lack of GRA scoring potential in this essay. You are not using enough third person reference points to prove your GRA skill. Your personal opinion should also use more than just "I" in the paragraph. Try to show a variety of personal pronoun usage to increase the GRA potentia. The conclusion you presented is too short. This does not meet the 40 word minimum requirement nor the 3-5 sentence summary requirement.